How to Celebrate the Holiday of Love in Different Cultures

Valentine’s Day is a commonly known holiday of love in the United States and some countries throughout Europe. Couples most often celebrate the holiday as a way to show appreciation of their relationship. Around the world, many countries have their own way of showing affection through their own cultural traditions. Although some of these holidays may not identically mirror the way the United States celebrates love, the message is ultimately the same. Whether it be love for one’s culture, love for a friendship, or the concept of love in general, most countries love to celebrate love! Celebrating the holiday of love according to your adopted child’s culture can help children stay in touch with their own roots and validate their experience of adoption. Love is universal, and can come in many forms and expressions.

Latin America

Latin Americans traditional day of love is referred to as, “The Day of Love and Friendship”, or “El Día del Amor y la Amistad”. The holiday is broadly celebrated in this region more so than any other area of the world. Latin America celebrates Valentine’s Day not only with their partner, but with their friends and family as well.

In the Dominican Republic, those who celebrate Valentine’s Day will typically exchange “cariñitos”, which are gifts of love that can be shared amongst couples, families, and friends. In the Dominican Republic, this day falls on the same Valentine’s Day as the United States. Valentine’s Day in Colombia is celebrated on the third Saturday in September. While these countries recognize romantic love, a great emphasis is also placed upon celebrating the love of family and friendship. It is a common tradition to surprise friends with small tokens of love throughout Latin America, and many will exchange anonymous gifts at home, in the workplace, at school, or between their friend groups. The tradition is similar to the concept of “Secret Santa” that Americans practice around Christmas. Families who are adopting from these regions can celebrate this holiday by helping their children design or craft small gifts and exchanging them amongst other anonymous family members and/or friends.

China

The modern Valentine’s Day of China can celebrated through their annual “Qizi Festival” that takes place on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month of the Chinese calendar. It literally translates as, “Evening of Sevens Festival”, and is the country’s celebration of love rooted from folklore. Common traditions on this day include stargazing of Vega and Altair stars and baking “qiǎoguǒ”, which is a traditional sweet pastry that the Chinese enjoy on this special day. If you plan to celebrate this day with your adopted child, families can invest in a telescope for a night of stargazing or set time aside to bake qiǎoguǒ with their child.

Burkina Faso

Festival of the Dancing Masks in Burkina Faso, or “The Festival International des Masques et des Arts”, is a bi-annual festival that brings Burkinabe people together from over 40 different villages. Natives from all over the country wear masks and costumes to celebrate and can be found story telling or playing music. Although there is not a direct correlation between this holiday and the traditional Valentine’s Day celebrated in the U.S., it is clear that the people here share a love for their unique culture, art, and Burkinabe traditions. Families can celebrate this day with their adopted child and help preserve their roots through mask making or wearing the traditional Burkinabe attire on this day to celebrate.

Taiwan

Taiwan celebrates the day of love, “Qíngrén jié,” twice a year, on both February 14 and July 7. In Taiwan, this means the country is flooded with flowers on both days. Taiwanese men will traditionally buy their significant other roses, however the colors and the number of flowers are important indicators of how serious the relationship is. Red roses represent “an only love”, 11 roses symbolize “my favorite”, and if a woman is presented with 108 roses, it usually is an indication of marriage. If you choose to celebrate this tradition with your adopted child, try taking them flower shopping, or presenting them with the option to make their own bouquet for someone else.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Finding an Adoption-Competent Therapist

Adoption has a lifelong impact on everyone involved – children, birth families, and adoptive families. Most families seek post adoption support at some point – whether immediately after bringing a child home or years down the road. Post adoption support can include educational resources, support groups, respite opportunities, counseling/therapy, or parent coaching.

When searching for an adoption-competent therapist, seek a professional who has an understanding of adoption related issues such as: grief and loss, trust and attachment issues, identity formation problems, and trauma. Adoption-competent therapists will understand that children who have been adopted will often face issues that are “embedded in the abuse or neglect experienced before the child was adopted”[1], and will understand the importance of including new family members, especially parents in the treatment process.

There are many approaches to therapy and the type of approach a parent chooses will likely change over time. These methods will change as children grow and develop and as children experience life events – such as graduating from school, moving to college, starting a job, getting married, experiencing a death in the family, or becoming parents themselves. A few types of therapy include: behavior modification, family therapy, group therapy, play therapy, cognitive therapy, trauma-informed therapy, and attachment-focused therapy.

Finding the right therapist can feel like a daunting task. Here are a few steps we recommend:

Identify Prospective Therapists
1. Online directories can make this quick and easy. One example is in the directory from the Center for Adoption Support and Education or the Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner List.
2. Ask your adoption or foster care agency! Most agencies have a list of local, adoption-competent therapists ready to share.
Interview Prospective Therapists
1. Many therapy practices will offer an introductory interview, but if not – ask to schedule one to ensure that this therapist will be able to provide what your family needs. Ask about the types of therapy or treatments they specialize in and do not be afraid to ask about their experience working with adoptive families.
2. Some specific questions to ask may include:

- - “Have you taken any courses or trainings in adoption competency?”
  - “Do you prefer to work with the entire family or only with children?”
  - “What is your experience working with ____ (be specific about the adoption issues your family is facing- open adoptions, transracial adoptions, children who have experienced abuse, children with attachment disorders, etc.)?”

Once you select an adoption-competent therapist and being working with them, remember that your commitment is crucial – so keep those regular appointments scheduled and maintain open lines of communication between yourself, the child, and the therapist. As always, remember that seeking any kind of post adoption support is not a sign of weakness or poor parenting, but rather a sign of commitment to permanency and supporting your child for life!

References and Additional Resources for Families:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/services/

https://chsva.org/post-adoption-program/post-adoption-services-support/

_____________________

[1] https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/f_therapist.pdf

An Open Letter to Adoptive Parents from an Adoptee

Dear Adoptive Parents:

I wish you knew…

we cannot just erase or get rid of our past.

No matter how old we get we will still remember parts of our past. Please listen to the stories we do share – even if they seem outrageous – which may include dark traumas and experiences. We know that can be hard on you. We hope you would acknowledge, and be prepared for what we know and remember of our biological family, and the importance these memories are to us. Know there is likely a difference in what we share of our past and what is shared in our paperwork. What we remember and experienced could be missing or a different viewpoint of what is shared in our paperwork – accept the differences and don’t dismiss what we remember and share.

how to gain more help specific to adoption and parenting an adopted child.

If possible, reach out to the adoption agency for help or other adoption competent professionals. Do not dismiss the education required as another hoop to jump through in the adoption process. The education is to help you parent adopted children like me. Do not stop learning how to parent an adopted child after the requirement is met in the process.

how to be more open with us.

Do not hide adoption papers and make copies to share with us. Let us know where the originals are so should we want to travel to our home country, get a passport, or any other legal documents, we have the appropriate paperwork available to us. Do not be threatened by the relationship with our biological family – including extended biological relatives. We are grateful for our adoptive family, but the transition can be hard and letters and pictures of our biological family can help ease this transition.

how difficult transitions are.

Language is hard for us. Be open minded that not all children will learn a new language in the same ways – find what will help your child. The help may not always just be learning new words it may come in the form of speech therapy, dental work, or medical support. Food shock is hard for us. Food tastes different, be patient as we try new foods. Slowly introduce new foods and do not be upset about food waste. To help in the transition to the American diet, incorporate foods from our culture into the menu. Learn what foods are common in our culture and do your best to provide these foods, especially shortly after coming home. Give us the opportunity to shop with you and choose foods to eat. When we share our stomach hurts, or we do not like a food, be aware this could be a mild food allergy and our body is giving signals but we do not understand what they mean. Be our advocate to understand what is happening in our body. School/social shock is hard for us. Our grade level may be lower than our age. Do not compare us to your educational experience or the performance of other children of the same age or grade. We are learning more than academics so praise what we have learned. Help us with our assignments with the understanding that what we think is being asked of us may not be translated well. Be patient and do not discourage us when we misunderstand. Be our advocate at school to ensure our teachers and administrators understand we are going through an adoption transition, which includes not only social and culture differences, but family and personal transitions. We may need additional transitions at school to help us thrive in the school setting. Consider different types of education to meet our needs. For example: a smaller class size, private school, or home school. New cultural environments are hard for us. Educate yourself of our country’s seasons, holidays, and traditions. Do your best to incorporate our country’s seasonal holidays and traditions into American celebrations. Seek out music, television shows, and movies from our culture to share with us. Do not forget special clothing and traditional wear we may or may not bring with us or be purchased when traveling home. When visiting places where our culture is represented, like Disneyland’s Small World ride, we may remember something that could trigger a memory. Be aware these memories may be bad or good. When a memory is triggered please be patient with us even if we cannot communicate why we are being triggered. If you are aware of our triggers, do your best to assure us we are in a safe environment and make sure we able to communicate our feelings freely in that moment.

we still have our own values and beliefs.

Our religion may be different than yours and we may or may not want to convert. Share your religion and beliefs, but allow us have the option to practice our religion without feeling like we are disrespecting our adoptive family. Provide opportunities for us to grow in our passions. Be encouraging of our interests and find ways to let us explore our talents.

how grateful we are of adoption.

Please do not interpret the struggles of the adoption journey as us being ungrateful. We do value and love you for bringing us into and making us a part of your family.

you cannot study enough about my country and me.

Do not stop learning about me, my country, my culture, and my past. Adoption is a never-ending journey for not only you, but me as well.

Sincerely,

An Adult Adoptee

Assisted in writing by Nightlight staff member Alice

Ways Your Family Can Help Vulnerable Children

Most will agree that all children deserve to grow up in a loving and protective family. All children deserve to be fed, to receive an education, clean clothing, shoes and to sleep in a warm and safe bed at night, all basic necessities provided by a family. All children deserve the warmth, love, protection and guidance of a parent or parents. Yes, we agree. As a rule however, most people do not know the number of children worldwide who are parentless or forced to grow up in an institutionalized setting not having access to things we all agree every child should have access to.

It is estimated that there are 147 million orphaned children worldwide who have lost one or both parents. Consider this, 81.5 million Americans about 40 percent have considered adoption. If just 1 in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family. Seemingly, as with everything else, we become distracted or think someone else will take care of that and we go about our days or we just turn a blind eye and choose to ignore that a child somewhere is suffering. While we look away or get distracted, more children suffer and some die while in institutionalized care. While we look the other way, more children age out of institutionalized care to fend for themselves with little to no education or training and without the support of a family. There are currently 107,000 children eligible for adoption in the U.S. foster care system and every year, about 28,000 children age out of foster care in the U.S. Many who age out are forced into criminalized behavior, such as prostitution and theft, simply to survive. Aging out of the system without preparation and a safety net affects not only the child, but also society at large. Each child that we lose whether through death or talents lost due to criminalization, we lose another potential gift to the world and society loses as a whole. We have a responsibility to these children to care for them, to nurture them and to ensure they grow into loving, educated functioning adults who can contribute to society.

In international adoptions alone, we have seen a dramatic drop. The number of children adopted to U.S. families from other countries peaked at 22,884 in 2004. In the past 18 years, the numbers have consistently dwindled every year and now are just under 2,000 adoptions annually, and continue to drop. Yet despite the decline in adoptions, the number of children in need and the need for adoptive and foster parents continue to rise. What a sad state of affairs for our children. They say a society is judged by how it treats its elders and children. What does that say for us when we sit by and allow so many children to go parentless and without families?

There are vulnerable children suffering worldwide every day. You hear about them in the news, you see them on TV. While many of these children cannot be adopted, there are many who are eligible for adoption in the U.S. and abroad, who are in desperate need of a family.

Whether you are hoping to adopt a younger child considered to be “healthy”, an older child, a sibling group or a child with special needs, there is a child out there waiting for his or her own family to call their own. A child waiting for the love and protection of a family.

If you feel you are being called to adopt, we encourage you to look at our waiting children eligible for adoption on Adoption Bridge. Additionally, many of Nightlight’s intercountry programs are accepting new families such as Burkina Faso, Dominican Republic, Colombia and Albania. Many of our country programs have short wait times for families to be matched with a child, especially if you choose a waiting child. If you wish to pursue adoption from foster care, Nightlight can assist adoptive parents navigate the U.S. foster care system and adoption process. If you are unsure about adoption and want additional information, schedule a free initial telephone conference at your convenience to explore your options, by filling out Nightlight’s online interest form.

If you feel adoption is not the way that your family wants to care for the orphan, there are other ways you can be involved. By volunteering or making a donation. Nightlight is a non-profit organization. Making a tax-deductible donation provides assistance to families adopting and children in need in the U.S. and countries where we serve.

For more information on all adoption options available to families through, please visit our website or contact us.

Adoption Assistance for Children with Special Needs Adopted Domestically

Any waiting family associated with Nightlight Christian Adoptions long enough, will inevitably receive an email from Nightlight requesting consideration of a domestically born child who, because of significant special medical needs, is considered harder to place. Baby Saylor diagnosed with schitzencephaly, Baby Michael diagnosed with Prader Willi syndrome, and Baby Tommy diagnosed with microcephaly are just a few of the babies who were spotlighted in these emails. These babies, all with serious lifelong special medical needs, received placement through Nightlight with loving adoptive families.

There is a lot to seriously consider before accepting placement of a child with special medical needs. Much more than this blog can cover. The following is information about Adoption Assistance, the medical coverage and financial assistance available to adoptive families accepting placement of a special needs child, and the process of applying for Adoption Assistance when adopting privately.

The Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act of 1980 provided the first federal subsidies to encourage the adoption of children who would otherwise remain in long-term foster care by removing the financial obstacles related to adopting a child with “special needs”. Benefits commonly include monthly cash payments, medical assistance, reimbursement of nonrecurring adoption expenses and post adoption support services. There is a common misconception that Adoption Assistance, also known as adoption subsidies, is only granted to children adopted from foster care. This is not true. Adoption subsidies are available to any child adopted domestically, whether through foster care or private domestic adoption, who meets the definition of “special needs”. In a nutshell, a “special need” can be thought of as any obstacle keeping a family from accepting the placement of a child. A significant, lifelong medical need is one type of these obstacles. The largest criteria of what identifies a child as being “special needs” is the same throughout the US, but there are some varying smaller criteria among states.

Adoption Assistance is provided through two levels. One is through the federal level (called Title IV-E) and the second is through the state or county level (called Non-Title IV-E). A child cannot qualify for both. The benefits can vary among states, especially the benefits provided on the state or county level. In private adoption, when a child has never been in foster care, Adoption Assistance, whether IV-E or non-IV-E, is overseen by the county or state public social services agency where the adoptive family resides, even when the child was born in another state. Waiting families can be proactive by researching the Adoption Assistance guidelines and services offered by their state. Here is a helpful website with additional state information: https://nacac.org/help/adoption-assistance/adoption-assistance-us/state-programs/

The Adoption Assistance determination process, for a child placed through private adoption, begins by applying for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) disability benefits for the child. The SSI disability application should be processed through the SSI office in the county where the adopting family resides. For more information on this application process please see: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/disability/apply-child.html

If the child is approved for SSI disability benefits, he/she automatically qualifies for Adoption Assistance on the federal level (Title IV-E), and for Medicaid. Children approved for SSI disability benefits will begin receiving SSI benefits immediately and benefits will be retroactive to the date the application was submitted. Benefits include monthly cash aid and state medical coverage. This can feel like a win to adopting parents, but it is important that they continue and complete the Adoption Assistance application process, to receive Adoption Assistance. There are income guidelines for SSI benefits and once the adoption is finalized, the SSI benefits will be adjusted according to the adoptive family’s income. The adoptive family could experience a significant decrease in benefits.

If the child does not qualify for SSI disability benefits, they still may qualify for non-Title IV-E Adoption Assistance on the state or county level, and special medical coverage offered by the state.

The next step, for either SSI determination outcome, is to apply for Adoption Assistance through the public social services agency in the adopting parents’ state. Depending on the state, this may be at the county or state level. Most states or counties process very few adoption assistance applications for private adoptions and may not be familiar with the process. The National Council for Adoption website previously referenced has information about who can assist in your state.

Lastly it is important that adopting families not finalize the adoption until the Adoption Assistance has been approved. Once an adoption is finalized, it is nearly impossible to successfully obtain adoption assistance, especially on the federal level.

Like any government funded subsidy, there is never a guarantee it will last forever; however, in in my fifteen years as an adoption professional, Adoption Assistance on the federal level (Title IV-E) has only increased. The availability of Adoption Assistance should not be overlooked in private domestic adoption. The application and eligibility determination process may appear complicated, tedious, and lengthy, but the benefits are substantial. The benefits may provide all the financial difference in a waiting family’s ability to accept placement of a child with a special medical need.

Thankfulness Practices for the Family

November is a natural time of the year where our minds gravitate toward thankfulness. Cultivating that practice in your children can be fun and built organically into your family structure, not just in this season but throughout the year. Below are some ideas on how to incorporate expressing gratitude in your family with your children:

Add it into your routine – Your family naturally has routines and structures where you can easily add in a time of thankfulness. At bedtime, as children are brushing their teeth ask them to think about 2 things they are thankful for and tell you after they are done. You can ask them while you are reading books or tucking them into bed. Consider adding the question in while eating breakfast or in the car on the way home from school. Sharing “highs and lows” of their day can be easily altered to include what they are grateful for.
Gratitude activities – There are many crafts or activities that incorporate thankfulness that you can make at home or find available on a website. You can create a “Thankfulness Jar” or a “Blessing Tree” where children write out something they are thankful for and put it in the jar or add it to the limbs of the tree. Consider making a chain link with colorful paper that is added to each day and strung along the wall or mantel. Another idea is use a corkboard or magnet board where you can pin up gratitude cards to display.
Family gratitude journal – This can be used as a family or you can have each child write in their own journal. You can teach your child this practice that is ongoing through the year.
Thankfulness in prayer – Many models for prayer begin with praise and thankfulness. As you lead your child in prayer, be sure to incorporate thankfulness for what God has done and will do in their lives. Your prayers should include tangible blessings in your life but also acknowledge the goodness of God in their lives and how He provides for them throughout all areas of their lives.
Giving to others – Volunteering or giving items to others can show children the blessing and gifts they have in life and how they can bless others. This cultivates thankfulness by recognizing all they have been given and acknowledging the gift that is to them.
Thankfulness in hardship – We all go through challenging circumstances that can make it hard to remember the good things we have in our lives. If your child is going through something difficult, allow them to acknowledge those feelings and difficulties and also acknowledge what remains positive in their situation. Don’t brush off the challenges by only focusing on the positive because their feelings are valid and should be recognized. However, you can show them how to remember to balance the positives and negatives they will experience throughout life.

As a parent, you may not be good at keeping a practice of thankfulness. These suggestions above can benefit you as well as your children. Thankfulness is something that needs to be approached with intention if it is not our natural response to any situation.

We hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and are able to pause to recognize all the blessings in your life and family!

International Spotlight: Dominican Republic

Dominican Republic’s population has been steadily increasing each year. In 2020, the country’s population was roughly 11 million people with a poverty rate of 15.2%, meaning that 1.7 million of Dominican Republic’s people were living in poverty. The majority of Dominicans living in poverty also live in rural areas with little access to care and resources (macrotrends.net). Socioeconomic inequality among women, corruption, natural disasters, and an increasing population seems to be the main causes of poverty in the country (borgenproject.org). Among this poverty-stricken population are thousands of children that become neglected, abused, or abandoned every year due to the family’s inability to provide proper care for their children. These children are in need of safe, loving and nurturing homes; however, most of them find themselves institutionalized until they age out or are adopted. Typically, the Dominican Republic will prioritize domestic adoption before a child becomes eligible for international adoption. Dominican children that are not adopted domestically are then placed for international adoption by Consejo Nacional Para La Ninez Y La Adolescencia, (CONANI). CONANI is Dominican Republic’s central adoption authority, or the entity that oversees the adoption of children in need of families.

All children who become eligible for international adoption in the Dominican Republic have some type of medical or psychological need. Mild to severe special needs range in each age group. However there are older children and sibling groups that are considered special needs, but may not have a medical or psychological need. These children are considered harder to place. Typical needs of children who are eligible for international adoption include blood related disorders, meningitis, diseases of the eyes, asthma, autism, and children with neurodevelopmental and/or psychomotor delays. Medical care for certain conditions may not be available in Dominican Republic’s health care system, as a result it is not always easy for the country to provide the sufficient care for children with significant needs. While the country’s healthcare system is the most advanced in the Caribbean, it is still not suitable for children in need of ongoing treatment and routine check-ups (borgenproject.org).

Currently, Nightlight’s Dominican Republic program has thirty-three children waiting for a forever family that are eligible for international adoption. The files of these children are available for potential adoptive parents to view on Nightlight’s Adoption Bridge website. Children eligible for international adoption from Dominican Republic have “DR” listed within their name on the website. Although Nightlight cannot post children’s photos on this website, the country does allow for limited access to children’s information online that includes general descriptions accompanied by their age and any identified needs. Eligible families can view their full file with photos upon request by e-mailing samantha@nightlight.org. Children listed on the website are immediately eligible for adoption once a family’s dossier is submitted to the country and they are matched by CONANI.

Additionally, there is a $500 grant available to the next family that adopts a waiting child from the Dominican Republic. If you are interested in adopting a child who is not on Adoption Bridge, we ask prospective adoptive parents to be open to children that are at least 6 or 7 years of age and/or have moderate special needs. Generally, sibling groups and older children eligible for adoption are generally healthy. To learn more about this program, you can submit an inquiry form here, and our Inquiry Team will reach out to share more.

Anchored in Hope: Adoption from Foster Care

Families are able to adopt children directly from foster care. There will be time of bonding before placement officially happens that allows you to get to know one another and how you all fit together. After placement there is also a period of time (varies by state) before the family can finalize the adoption. This allows for a family to bond, connect, and adjust their daily living to having a child(ren) in their home. Going from no children in the home, to having children, is a very big change that can take time and effort for a family to adjust to their new daily routines and schedules. Even just adding one more child to a family that already has children, will take time to adjust.

Children adopted from foster care tend to be coming from hard places, which can lead to difficult behaviors and emotions. A child may take any amount of time to feel trusting and fully comfortable with their new family and it is necessary that their adoptive parent(s) and sibling(s) in the home be aware of this when a child is placed. Barth et al. (1988) state that disruption is more likely to occur when children of older ages are adopted into a new family; an older child is described to be a child above the age of three years old. Barth et al. (1988) also describe how the number of disruptions have taken a drastic decline since the establishment of agencies and more advocates to be a supportive hand to those children within the system. Examples of these agencies are Nightlight Christian Adoptions, state workers, counselors, and CASA workers. The list goes on. The decision to adopt a child is an important decision that causes change to a family’s overall dynamic. Learn more about Nightlight’s Anchored in Hope Program, that assists families adopting from foster care.

With the establishment of the Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act of 1980, the number of families who are now willing to become licensed foster and adoptive parents has drastically risen. This created a monthly per diem that given to foster parents’ to ensure that they are financially capable of providing for the basic needs and wants of another child placed in their home. This assistance can also be very helpful as many of these children need services that are more specialized and therapeutic to address issues from trauma, grief, and loss. It is important to remember that children who were placed in the foster care system were placed there for a reason and they may have triggers that affect them for a lifetime.

To be able to help a child feel safe and have a place to call home is a privilege that more and more people around the US are taking advantage of. Children who are adopted from foster care may have difficult behaviors that take time and a great deal of patience to work through. It is important for adoptive parents to know that working through trauma and traumatic experiences is not an overnight fix for a child. Adoptive parents should not have this expectation as working through trauma can take a lifetime. Providing love and stability to an adoptive child is necessary. However, when this love and care is provided, it does not mean that all previous issues will be fixed immediately. Taking time to listen and support an adopted child is necessary to help them know that they can trust their adoptive parents and work to overcome their traumatic experiences / habits. Being an adoptive parent is one of the most rewarding experiences one has described, but with it, comes a great deal of patience and trauma-informed practices. Nightlight offers a Post Adoption Connection Center that specifically aims at providing additional support and services to families and children after adoption.

There are a variety of behaviors and emotions that a child must work through during the adoption process especially if they are older youth. Children coming from a trauma background may display behaviors such as hoarding food, sleep difficulties, difficulty with self-soothing, attention seeking behaviors, having difficulty concentrating, night terrors, being on alert at all times, and having ADHD like tendencies usually from trauma experiences. These are just to name a few, and no trauma behaviors are the same for all. Just as adults, children deal with their life experiences in ways that best fit them or that make them feel most comfortable. When children are exhibiting difficult behaviors, it is important for a caregiver to:

have patience and to form a trusting bond with that child. Utilizing TBRI practices are some of the best ways and procedures for children to feel safe and form a bond with a parent. It may take time to form that bond as children may have difficulty understanding the reason why the adoption was necessary and may want to remain close to their biological family. This is okay and this is normal. Nightlight offers TBRI training to all adoptive families as a part of their training process.
never speak ill of a biological parent as this may cause a child to feel as though they cannot confide in their adoptive parent if they have questions about their biological family as they grow older. If you speak negatively about their biological parent, who is a part of that child, then they may question if you are speaking negatively about them.
identify a support system during the adoption process and post adoption as well. Ensuring that one has stable friends or family that can be a part of their adopted child’s life, can help the child and their adoptive family feel more comfortable with one another.
identify counseling services once the child is placed in your home. This has been known to help greatly with the transition process and also the overall understanding of a child’s new life. Having a counselor allows for the child to have someone that they can speak to of their feelings who is not a new family member. Beginning family therapy to help form attachment between a family and their adoptive child will also be extremely beneficial for the family to learn proper ways of speaking to one another, work on any difficulties that may persist, and also to overall form a stronger family dynamic.
find a support group that adoptive parents can become a part of to give you new people with similar experiences you can rely on and trust as you weather the joys and challenges of parenting.

By: Kayla Snow

References: Barth, R.P., Berry, M., Yoshikami, R., Goodfield, R.K, & Carson, M. L. (1988) Predicting Adoption Disruption. Social Work, 33(3), 227-233. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/33.3.227

Prayers for Those Touched By Adoption

Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Mark 11:24

Prayer is an essential part of an adoption journey, as the adoption process requires courage and trust in the Lord every step of the way. The adoption process can be long, scary, and full of ups and downs for all those involved— adoptees, potential adoptive parents, and expectant and birth parents.

Not everyone feels led to adopt or has a personal connection to adoption, but everyone can pray for those involved in adoption. If you are pursuing adoption or have been touched by adoption, share these words with your friends and family and have them join you in prayer. There is so much power in prayer.

Heavenly Father,

Bless all expectant mothers who are placing their children for adoption and who may also be young and afraid. They love their children so much that they are willing to place them with a loving family. Bless, too, all the women who already have shown the sacrificial nature of a mother’s love in making adoption plans for their children. Give them all your courage and your peace, through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Dear Jesus,

In word and sacrament, you make known the depth of your love for each person. Never let us forget the tender compassion and mercy which you have shown and continue to show to us. Instill in our hearts deep love for those who suffer, and help us reflect the face of the Father’s mercy. May the family members of each child to be placed for adoption lovingly support his or her mother as she chooses love and life. And may these family members themselves find continued support in the kindness and encouragement of others. Give to all wisdom and understanding, and may we be instruments of your grace.

Amen.

Lord Jesus,

You saw in the innocence of children. the attributes which make us worthy of heaven— trust, joy, humility, obedience and faithfulness. Bless all children who are awaiting adoption. They seek love—may they find it in loving parents. They seek stability—may they find a home rooted in faith. They seek acceptance—may their gifts be recognized and nurtured. And may they always know your steadfast love for them and the true joy of loving you.

Amen.

Heavenly Father,

We are all your adopted children, not by flesh or by desire, but through the power of the incarnation of your most beloved Son, Jesus Christ. Bless those children who have been adopted into new families, that they may experience the love that you have shown us which surpasses even the love of a mother for her child. In the difficult transitions and hardships that might beset them in their struggle for belonging, give every adopted child the grace to embrace their new family and trust in your paternal care for them, which lasts forever. Grant this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,

You are one God, living in a relationship of love. When Christ became Man, you shared that divine love with the human race, forever wedding earth to heaven. Send your blessings upon all who nurture children who have been adopted. Give them generous and understanding hearts. Give us all a spirit of understanding and welcome so that all peoples of every nation, race, and tongue may live together peacefully as members of your family. Grant this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Source: https://www.usccb.org/

Signs of Post Adoption Depression

New adoptive parents never expect to feel anything but happiness, however, depression symptoms may occur in as many as 65% of adoptive parents after adopting their children.

What you are experiencing is natural. Though the rewards and joys of parenting are huge, the challenges can be draining, confusing, and…depressing.

Loss is a catalyst for depression. Post Adoption Depression (PAD) is a response to new experiences and to losses — from feelings of let-down, to the hard work of meeting an adopted baby’s special needs, to the physical and emotional strain of not being prepared for any of the above.

Unlike full-blown post adoption depression syndrome (PADS), in which overwhelming despair, panic, a sense of disconnection from your child, and sometimes even frightening feelings and thoughts occur, the sadness of post adoption blues is more subtle, and alternates with, or exists right next to, truly positive feelings about parenting. These lighter shades of post adoption blues, which are much more common than PADS, can be just as isolating. After all, your dream has come true! Any tinge of guilt, sadness, shame, or dissatisfaction during what is supposed to be a joyous time is unexpected, and makes the blues hard to talk about.

Many of the suggestions recommended to lessen a child’s trauma as she transitions to her new family could actually contribute to your feelings of isolation and depression. Allowing yourself to seek support and communication with other adults is vital to your emotional health. Modify how you think about your new family, and enlist your friends and relatives.

Risk Factors of Post Adoption Depression in Adoptive Parents

There are many risk factors that lead to the development of depression in adoptive parents after their child comes into their home.

Adoptive parents place a lot of pressure on themselves, especially if their child may have come from a difficult background. The extra pressure leads to extra stress and unrealistic expectations. These emotions become feelings of shame and guilt if the parents cannot live up to their idealized view of parenthood.

This pressure, combined with the fact that many adoptive parents do not form an immediate bond with their child, creates a recipe for depression.

Other risk factors that may lead to post adoption depression include:

Feeling isolated from peers
Society’s attitude toward adoptive parents over biological parents
A lack of boundaries between the child and the birth parents
Exhaustion from a rigorous adoption process and preparation for the child to arrive
Not having support from the rest of the family or friends

The factors faced by adoptive parents make it as likely for adoptive mothers to develop post adoption depression as birth mothers are to develop PPD.

Signs of Trouble

Maybe you are just having a bad day or maybe your depression is larger. If you answer yes to a number of the questions below, you should discuss your feelings with a professional. If you answer “yes” to the last question, get help immediately!

In the past few weeks, have you experienced any of the following:

Loss of interest in being around other people?
Always on the verge of tears?
Difficulty concentrating – unable to make decisions?
General fatigue or loss of energy?
Difficulty sleeping or an increased need for sleep?
Significant weight gain or loss?
Excessive or inappropriate guilt?
Feelings of worthlessness?
Feelings of powerlessness?
Feelings of hopelessness?
Loss of enjoyment in things?
Irritability?
Recurring thoughts about death or suicide?

Take Care of Yourself – and your Child

If you think you may be experiencing Post Adoption Blues or PADS, do not try to tough it out. Instead, take extra-good care of yourself, as you stay attuned to your new baby’s needs. Here are some suggestions:

Mind your health. Go easy on yourself. You making a huge transition – often from a prolonged state of wanting a baby to the reality of becoming a parent. Take naps, eat thoughtfully (more fresh fruit and vegetables, less caffeine and sugar), go for walks, and cut back on outside obligations when possible. Caring for your body will decrease the negative effects of depression and stress.
Ask for support. Do not expect yourself to be a perfect parent! Accept the fact that, even though you wanted this baby, parenting is difficult and there are times when you will be exhausted. Ask for help when you need it. Allow friends or family members to help you with household chores, meals and some baby care.
Strategize. Discuss with your spouse, who is going to perform which duties and when. Review your agreements and allow for change. Talk about fatigue and about taking care of each other. Keep the lines of communication open to discuss sex, and communicate your interest and disinterest in a loving fashion. Stress, depression and a high-needs baby can strain any relationship. If you can afford it, consider hiring someone to clean your home or mow your lawn. Simplify your life so you can devote your attention to your family.
Take care of you. Build in some time away from your baby to relax and clear your mind. Breathing deeply and getting quiet will ease stress. When you are tired, take a nap, take the phone off the hook, and do not feel obligated to answer the door. Do not feel guilty about lessening your responsibilities or decreasing your volunteer hours. If you are in a position to do so, quit your job or work part-time, if that is what you want to do.
Take control of visitors. Limit your visitors to one or two at a time and schedule them at your convenience. If you need adult interaction, phone and friend and invite them to visit and ask them to pick up some take-out on the way over. It may also be necessary to help your family and friends to understand adoption.
Give yourself and your child time. Attachment and bonding occur in real time, not instantaneously, as you may have imagined. Not all mothers — adoptive or birth — have an instant connection with their babies. Do not be hard on yourself if you do not feel that “magic bond.” But remember that withholding physical affection can delay a child’s development, so keep cuddling your child to benefit both of you. Focus on being a parent one step at a time. Soon enough it will feel more natural.
If you have another child, make a point of spending some time alone with each child. Arrange an outing or other plans for your older child, so you can have some private time with the baby. Have someone watch the baby while you connect with your older child. Otherwise, you may start to feel you are not giving either child your full attention.
Learn about grief. Feelings of grief ebb and flow. It is processed in bits and pieces and tends to resurface at various points in the life cycle. You will learn to manage the variation of these feelings. Understand that you can love your baby and feel sad at the same time. Experiencing more than one emotion at a time is a normal human experience. Sadness does not mean you are unhappy about the adoption of your child. You will find that many other adoptive parents have had these same feelings.
Connect with other adoptive parents. They will get it! Talking to friends and family may help a little but they will not understand the issues you are experiencing. Other adoptive parents will make you feel like your experiences are normal and okay. Consider joining an adoptive parent group for support and understanding.
Seek professional help.If self-help methods do not work and post adoption blues or depression persists, ask your physician and/or your adoption social worker for a referral to a qualified mental-health professional who understands concerns surrounding adoption. Sometimes, seeking a few sessions with an adoptive-savvy counseling are all you need to work through any uncomfortable feelings you may be experiencing.

Sometimes an attitude shift is all it takes to make a difficult situation manageable, but sometimes post adoption depression requires outside help. Finding innovative ways to meet your own needs, while giving precedence to your child’s, is a day-to-day balancing act that requires thought and action. Being aware of PAD (and seeking help quickly) will mitigate the effect that baby shock can have on you, and will give you the freedom to enjoy the child you have forever dreamed of parenting.

Treatment for Post Adoption Depression

Treatment for post adoption depression is similar to any other kind of postpartum depression treatment. A combination of medication, such as antidepressants, and therapy will help ease the symptoms of postpartum depression in adoptive parents.

Additional treatments may include counseling, support groups or online forums. These options help you connect with other adoptive parents going through similar experiences. Work with your doctor and mental health care provider to develop a long-term post adoption depression treatment plan.

By: Dana Poynter