As a parent, your goal is likely to raise children to be adults that are kind, empathetic, and respectful. However, when your child presents with challenging behaviors, it can be hard to navigate. So, when you face these challenging situations, what are the most effective discipline techniques? The following information outlines strategies to help you in your journey. You can also view a webinar on this topic from our PACC Director.
Parenting Style
Before you look at discipline techniques, is important to understand your parenting style. There are four different parenting styles
- Permissive: “Whatever you want”
- Authoritative: “Let’s discuss this”
- Authoritarian: “Because I said so”
- Uninvolved: “I really don’t care”
While there is no right or wrong parenting style, research has shown parenting with a mixture of styles is the most effective. When you aware of your natural tendencies, you are able to adjust your approach.
Ineffective vs. Effective
As a parent, you discipline based on what you know. There are many “old school styles” that you are familiar with and may even use on a regular basis. The following are examples of “old school style” parenting. While none of these styles are “bad” or “wrong”, they can be ineffective in accomplishing the goal you are attempting to achieve.
- Anger, yelling, screaming: If you are dysregulated, then it can often make your child more dysregulated
- Punishments/Threats: Punishments and threats are often fear inducing and do not solve the root cause of the issue
- Shaming: Shaming is a form of control and often cause children to act out more
- Bribery: When bribery is used, sometimes children are only compliant when they receive a reward
- Demands: Demands make it hard for you to see your child’s needs in the moment.
- Lectures: Your goal is to help them understand, but often children will begin to tune you out
- Debates: Debates focus on winning instead of understanding your child.
Again, while none of these techniques is inherently bad, changing the approach may help you be more effective in getting the results that you want. The following is a list of alternative techniques to use instead.
- Learning/Teaching focus: Your child’s misbehavior is often more innocent than intentional. Take time to teach them how to operate in the world
- Respond Quickly: Address the behaviors when you see them. Do not delay the reaction.
- Focus on the positive behavior: Instead of focusing on the misbehavior, focus on the desired behavior. Praise your child for successes
- Choices and Compromises: Giving your child choices can mitigate control battles
- Clarify Expectations: Set rules, expectations, and consequences ahead of time and follow through with what you say
- Lower the bar/expectations: Are you asking too much of your child emotionally or tangibly? Adjust your expectations
- Understand your child’s development: Every child is different. Understand where your child is physically and emotionally and adjust accordingly.
Some of these techniques may feel unnatural, but the more you practice, the more you will make progress towards the goals you are trying to achieve. Be self-reflective, rely on your support system, and take everything one day at a time. Most remember your purpose and give yourself grace. Our Post Adoption Connection Center is here to support you, so please reach out to heather.sloan@nightlight.org.