As an adoptive parent, I've had my fair share of control battles. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and often confusing. Sometimes this day-to-day battle feels like a never-ending game of whack-a-mole. It's important to remember that even after years in your care, your child may still be dealing with deeply ingrained behaviors stemming from their past experiences. These behaviors may look like defiance, but they are not necessarily a reflection of your parenting. By understanding the underlying reasons for their resistance, we can shift our parenting strategies towards fostering a more supportive and understanding environment.
What is a control battle?
A control battle occurs when a parent is trying to get their child to do something (or not do something) and the child is resistant or defiant. For example, a parent asks a child to clean their room and the child refuses.
Why Do Kids Engage in Control Battles?
Control battles often stem from deep-seated feelings of fear, insecurity, and anxiety. Children who have experienced trauma may use control as a way to feel safe and secure. They may feel overwhelmed and powerless in other areas of their lives, so they try to exercise control where they can. Traumatic experiences can have lasting effects on brain development, often leaving a child in a constant state of heightened awareness or sending a child into survival mode at the most inopportune moments. The need for control, stemming from these deep-seated emotions, can surface in a variety of ways. Here are some common areas where control battles frequently take place:
Common Areas of Control Battles:
- Bathroom Issues: Children may use bathroom behaviors as a way to assert control. This can manifest as refusing to use the toilet, having accidents, or withholding bowel movements.
- Food Issues: Children may become picky eaters, hoard food, or refuse to eat certain foods.
- Verbal and Physical Aggression: Aggressive behavior can be a way for children to express their frustration and anger. Behaviors like pushing or hitting a parent, especially when the child perceives a threat, can serve as a means of asserting control.
- School Refusal: Children may refuse to go to school due to anxiety, fear of social situations, or a desire to maintain control over their environment.
- Sleep: Children may demand specific sleeping arrangements, try to delay bedtime or altogether refuse to go to bed.
How to Handle Control Battles:
- Understand the Root Cause: Try to identify the underlying emotions driving the behavior. Is your child feeling scared, anxious, or overwhelmed? By understanding the underlying causes and implementing effective strategies, you can help your child develop healthy coping mechanisms and overcome these challenges.
- Stay Calm and Consistent: Reacting with anger or frustration will only escalate the situation. Instead, remain calm and consistent in your approach.
- Set Clear Limits: Establish clear boundaries and consequences for unacceptable behavior. Be sure to enforce these limits consistently.
- Offer Choices: Give your child choices whenever possible. This can help them feel more in control and less resistant.
- Connect Emotionally: Spend quality time with your child and focus on building a strong emotional attachment. This can help alleviate feelings of insecurity and anxiety and promote felt safety.
- Seek Professional Help: If you're struggling to manage your child's behavior, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor.
Control battles are a common and often challenging part of adoptive parenting. Understanding the underlying reasons for your child's behavior is crucial, so prioritize connection, offer choices, and stay consistent with boundaries. These challenges can take a toll on parents, making self-care essential. Seek support from other parents, therapists, or join a support group—taking care of yourself will give you the strength and patience needed to support your child. Remember, you're on this journey together, and working as a team with your child is essential for healing and progress.
If you need help navigating your child's control battles, contact our Post Adoption Connection Center at heather.sloan@nightlight.org.