If you’re considering adoption for your child, one of the most important aspects of the process is deciding what type of relationship you’d like to have with your child and the adoptive family after the adoption is finalized. This can be a sensitive topic, and it’s natural to have many questions about how post-adoption contact and communication work.
The good news is that you are in control of your adoption journey. Whether you want to stay involved in your child’s life or prefer no contact after the adoption, there are options available to ensure that your wishes are respected. In this article, we’ll break down what post-adoption communication looks like, the different types of contact, and how to navigate your feelings about ongoing communication after the adoption.
1. What is Post-Adoption Contact?
Post-adoption contact refers to the communication and relationship between birthparents (you) and the adoptive family after the adoption has been completed and legally finalized. The level of communication varies depending on what kind of adoption you choose, and it can range from regular updates through letters and photos to a complete lack of contact.
While every adoption is different, it's important to know that you have a voice in this process. The type of post-adoption contact you want to have should be clearly discussed and agreed upon during the adoption planning process. Your adoption agency will help guide you in making decisions that feel right for you and your child.
2. Types of Post-Adoption Contact
There are generally three main types of post-adoption contact:
1. Open Adoption
In an open adoption, there is ongoing communication between you (the birthmother) and the adoptive family. This could include:
- Letters, pictures, and updates: You might receive regular letters, photos, or even videos of your child as they grow up. These updates can give you a sense of connection and peace, knowing how your child is doing.
- In-person visits: Some open adoptions involve face-to-face meetings between you and the adoptive family. These visits might take place annually, or as frequently as both parties feel comfortable with.
- Direct communication: You may also have direct contact with the adoptive family through phone calls or emails.
Open adoption can provide a sense of peace for birthparents who want to stay connected with their child and have an ongoing role in their life. However, the amount and frequency of contact are entirely up to you and what feels comfortable.
2. Semi-Open Adoption
In a semi-open adoption, you may not have direct contact with the adoptive family, but you can still receive updates about your child’s progress. This could include:
- Letters and pictures through the adoption agency: The agency acts as an intermediary, relaying information and photos between you and the adoptive family. This allows you to stay informed about your child’s life without direct interaction.
- Limited or no personal contact: You might not have direct communication with the adoptive family, but you can still receive updates through the agency. The amount of contact can vary based on your preferences.
Semi-open adoptions can provide a balance between having some connection to your child and maintaining privacy.
3. Closed Adoption
In a closed adoption, there is no contact after the adoption is finalized. The birthparents’ identities are kept confidential, and there is no ongoing communication with the adoptive family. Information about the birthparents and the child is sealed.
Closed adoption is a good choice for those who prefer privacy and do not wish to have any ongoing contact with the adoptive family or the child. However, it’s important to note that even in a closed adoption, you can still choose to have information about your child available to them in the future if they seek it (such as through a mutual consent registry).
3. Choosing the Right Type of Post-Adoption Contact for You
The type of post-adoption contact you choose depends on your personal feelings, your desires for your child, and your relationship with the adoptive family. Here are some questions to help you determine what kind of contact feels best for you:
- What is your emotional readiness? Think about how you’ll feel about staying in touch with your child. Are you comfortable with seeing updates or meeting them in person, or would you prefer a more private arrangement? Your emotional well-being is important, so consider what will help you feel at peace.
- What kind of relationship do you want with the adoptive family? Do you envision building a relationship with the adoptive parents, or do you prefer to maintain your privacy? An open adoption requires a certain level of communication and trust with the adoptive family, while a closed adoption may offer more space for privacy.
- What would be best for your child? Consider what you think will be best for your child as they grow up. Some children benefit from knowing about their birthparents and maintaining contact, while others may do better with limited or no contact, depending on their needs and the adoptive family’s approach.
- How comfortable are you with potential future contact? If you choose an open or semi-open adoption, it’s important to consider how comfortable you are with the idea of future contact, whether it’s through letters, photos, or even in-person visits. Think about how much involvement you’d like to have as your child grows older.
4. How to Talk to the Adoptive Family About Post-Adoption Contact
If you’ve chosen to have an open or semi-open adoption, discussing post-adoption contact with the adoptive family is an essential part of the process. Here are some tips for having this conversation:
- Be honest about your needs and boundaries: It’s important to communicate your desires clearly. Let the adoptive family know what kind of contact you are comfortable with, whether it’s regular letters, occasional visits, or just photos.
- Ask about their preferences: Understand the adoptive family’s comfort level with post-adoption contact. Are they open to ongoing communication? Do they want to share updates about your child’s progress? A good open conversation will help both sides set realistic expectations.
- Establish a plan: Together, you and the adoptive family can create a plan that works for both parties. You can decide on a timeline for receiving updates (such as every six months or once a year) or how often you’d like to meet in person.
- Be flexible: Understand that both you and the adoptive family’s needs may evolve over time. Flexibility can help maintain a positive relationship and ensure that both sides feel comfortable.
5. What Happens If You Change Your Mind About Post-Adoption Contact?
It’s normal to have mixed emotions about post-adoption contact, and your feelings may change as time goes on. If you’re considering an open or semi-open adoption, it’s okay to adjust the level of contact as you process your emotions. If you need more space or decide that you no longer want to receive updates, it’s important to communicate this with the adoptive family and the adoption agency.
Your adoption agency is there to help facilitate these changes and ensure that everyone’s needs are respected. Open and honest communication with the adoptive family can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that everyone is comfortable with the arrangement.
6. Final Thoughts
Post-adoption contact is a deeply personal choice, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Whether you want to stay involved in your child’s life through letters and visits, or you prefer a more private, closed adoption, it’s essential that your wishes are respected. You are in control of your adoption plan, and the right adoption agency will help guide you through the process.
It’s important to take your time thinking about your desires for post-adoption contact and communicate them clearly with the adoptive family. Your decision can provide you with peace of mind, knowing that your child is in good hands and that you’re making the right choice for both yourself and your child.
Remember, no matter what you choose, your decision is an act of love. Whether you choose an open, semi-open, or closed adoption, you’re creating a future for your child filled with possibilities. You are not alone in this journey, and support is available every step of the way.