Following God’s Will

A few years ago, when I mentioned to someone that my husband, Ben, and I were considering placing our remaining embryos for adoption, she said, “That’s so weird.”

The hurt ran deep and I doubted myself in those moments. I wish I could go back and tell myself what would unfold because honestly, she could not have been further from the truth. Embryo adoption has felt like the most wonderful, loving, and special thing I have ever done in my life, second only to becoming a mom.

When we were faced with infertility, we trusted and believed in the Lord’s plan for our lives. I am not saying it was not hard or there were not tears or worries but we knew in our hearts that God would provide.

After our son was born, we flew to Seattle for another round of IVF. I prayed on the airplane, “What on earth will we would do with any extra embryos that resulted from this cycle?”

I felt an immediate answer to prayer; God would answer more than my prayers with this cycle. I felt that I was following exactly what He wanted me to do and that my obedience would lead to a multitude of blessings for many. I envisioned a picture in my head: a blonde woman holding her babies.

Again, I am not trying to gloss over the hard: I still could not bend over from swollen ovaries, we still spent more money than we had in the bank, and we still were scared and holding tightly to hope.

We landed in Seattle. We completed our cycle. We became pregnant with our daughter, and we had nine embryos remaining in frozen storage.

After she was born, we hung up our IVF and pregnancy hats, and decided that for two years we would not even discuss babies. Instead, focusing on just living and parenting. I really wanted to have more children but I could not imagine doing IVF again.

When our daughter turned two, I started talking to Ben about embryo adoption. With tears in my eyes, I said what I have been thinking for a long time: I could not do IVF again. The medications were so hard on my body, it was a massive financial burden, and emotionally, I could not imagine another miscarriage (which had happened in between our two children).

With some Googling and internet sleuthing, I found the Snowflakes Program. Such an answer to prayer, as I knew that my embryos were children of God and needed to be treated with the utmost care. I timidly started the process in the spring of 2022. With each hurdle, question, and fear, God gently healed our hearts and led us through the process until we knew in our bones we were making the perfect and right decision.

With each question, came beautiful answers…

“Could I give away my babies?” They are not my babies. They belong to God. He is the author of their story and I would follow his leading.

“Could someone else raise these sweet ones in a way that honors God?” Yes, this wonderful program allowed for me to list that I wanted Christians, in a two-parent home, to adopt our embryos.

“Would my children be able to meet their biological siblings someday?” Snowflakes encourages the process of an open adoption.

“Would anyone adopt them?” We were told that it might take over a year to get them matched. However, within months, God provided the most beautiful family. When I opened their profile, would you believe it? A beautiful blonde haired woman in need of and waiting for the babies God handpicked for her.

“Will it hurt? Will I be able to give them away?” Every few days, the summer of 2022, I cried and cried--wishing that my story had been different. That I would have been able to get pregnant the good old-fashioned way. But my story was not different, and with prayer and acceptance, God led me to a beautiful place. My continual prayer was not my will, but God’s will. My husband and I laid down our dreams, plans, and hopes and sacrificially gave away our little embryos. We followed where God had led us. When we left the notary’s office, after signing our donation contract, I felt such a peace. It was hard. It was a journey. Nevertheless, it was the path of the Holy Spirit and we had followed it. Not perfectly. Not with precision. But with faith in our Lord. All my fears melted away.

Our embryos were matched and shipped to that beautiful couple. We prayed for them faithfully. And with some timidity, I wrote them a letter and offered to them that we would be happy to become friends on Instagram. Ultimately, I left it in their hands. They accepted, which has been pure joy to me. We have been able to see their sweet lives and feel part of this incredible miracle.

After the letter was sent, I started feeling out of sorts. I ignored it, thinking it was my endocrine disorder flaring. After about two months, I wanted to go enjoy an adult beverage with a friend, so I took a pregnancy test on a whim. Now mind you, I have never had a positive at-home pregnancy test in my entire life. I tucked the kids in to bed, and came back to check the test.

It was positive.

I fell to the floor, hyperventilating. God remembered the barren. He remembered the heartbroken. He provided me a beautiful gift. A natural pregnancy after six years of infertility, four IUIs, two cycles of IVF, three embryo transfers, and countless medications…

Our beautiful adoptive family transferred their embryos the winter 2022. Our newest baby boy arrived early in April 2023, and the sweet Snowflakes were born summer of 2023.

When their mom sent me their newborn pictures, I cried happy tears. Two beautiful twins, born to the most beautiful parents. They are pure gifts and miracles. The adoptive mom wrote me the sweetest, most gorgeous note. Her prayers were answered. She is now, finally, a mom.

 

All those faithful steps we made years ago…

All those sleepless nights…

All the moments of expectation, fear, and hope…

All worth it.

 

Five blessed miracles…

And seven more waiting in the wings.

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