I remember how frightened, yet excited I was when we first embarked upon the journey of in vitro fertilization. God gave us a way for my husband and I to bear children that were biological ours. We ended up with seven embryos total and transferred two of our precious babies. When both actually took and implanted, my journey began as a mother of multiples.
When I was four months along, we found out our daughter had a sporadic condition called Trisomy 13. We cried and prayed for a miracle. Each life is precious and we refused to give up on our precious girl. On February 28th, 2012, I began to hemorrhage and had an emergency C-section to deliver our twins. I needed a blood transfusion and was desperate to see Eve healed. However, God saw fit to heal her when she entered into heaven the day after she was born. We had our son, Christian, but little did I know that gaining a child was not the only thing I brought home with me that day.
It turned out that because of the nature of the birth, I developed a rare disease called Secondary Addison’s Disease. My endocrinologist told me I could not go through with another IVF transfer or pregnancy, as it would be detrimental to my health.
All at once my dreams of having a large family diminished. I felt stripped as if my dream died along with Eve. We had five years to make a decision as to what to do with our remaining babies. I wrestled with God during that entire time, begging for a healing that would allow me to become a mother of more children on earth.
The Lord answered me clearly when I was researching on the computer and up popped the page for Nightlight’s Snowflakes Embryo Adoption Program. I knew God was leading me to them. It touched my heart that this organization treated embryos like the children we knew they were.
I began to see how this was a real adoption, with paperwork and guidelines. In all honesty, I did not want to donate our children; I wanted to have them in our family. However, God asked me very clearly, “Do you trust me?” I knew my answer was yes. I began to fill out the paperwork and wept. I told my husband who stood in agreement with me, “I don’t want to do this, but I know our children have a destiny over their lives. A destiny which can only occur if they are born, not suspended in a frozen state.”
The first time I saw our adoptive family via their family profile, I did not want to like them. It was hard to give away something I so desperately wanted. But the true sacrifice of motherhood is giving away the very thing you begged God for. I remember thinking this is just like Abraham and Isaac, except in this case my metaphorical Isaac was not coming home with us.
As I read this couple’s profile, I fell in love with their hearts. I knew by what I read they were going to be amazing parents. We chose open adoption because I did not want to limit God. I knew it would be difficult to see the pictures, but I felt it was important to intercede for the adoptive parents and the babies. They were now our family too, and we loved them.
Currently, we email and we love sending gifts to their newborn daughter. They are just the sweetest, with hearts for God, and an incredible amount of faith. I will never forget when they sent me a bracelet they had made for me that said, “Forever grateful” and contained five little snowflakes. I wept for days afterward. Eventually, I see us meeting down the road, but in the meantime, it is a joy just to be a part of their lives in the ways that we can. This is a process that is achingly beautiful, but when we give God our ashes, we receive beauty in return.