Open adoption offers many benefits, including aiding your child’s identity development, providing access to health history, and ensuring your child has additional loving support. Like any relationship, maintaining a healthy open adoption requires effort and communication. When a birth parent struggles with mental health, additional complexities may arise, but with understanding and compassion, you can foster a positive relationship while keeping your child’s best interest at the center.
Knowledge is Power: Each mental health diagnosis affects individuals differently. If your child’s birth parent has a mental health diagnosis, resources such as the National Institute of Mental Health fact sheets can provide insight into how it may impact their behavior and communication. As you build trust with your child’s birth parent, they may also be open to sharing more about the ways that their mental health impacts them specifically, which can improve understanding and interactions.
Maintain Consistent Communication: Mental health conditions, such as bipolar disorder, anxiety, or depression, may cause fluctuations in communication. Keeping updates consistent and predictable provides stability and allows the birth parent to anticipate when they will hear from you. If a birth parent seems withdrawn or disengaged, do not take this personally! This does not mean they love or care for your child any less. Be patient, offer reassurance, and keep the door open for contact when they feel ready. If you lose all contact with a birth parent, you can continue to provide updates to the agency so that the birth parent can receive them once communication is reestablished.
Educate Your Child: Introduce the concept of mental health to your child in an age-appropriate way using children’s books, YouTube videos, or other resources. This foundation can help them begin to understand challenges that may arise in their open adoption. For example, if a birth parent fails to show up for a visit due to mental health struggles, your child will be better equipped to process the situation without internalizing blame. Remember that your words shape your child’s perception of their birth family, so always speak with respect and empathy, even when addressing difficult topics.
Encourage External Support: Your role is not to be a therapist for your child’s birth parent. If they express struggles beyond your ability to help, encourage them to seek professional support or to reconnect with their pregnancy counselor. Even if your child’s birth parent is making choices that differ from what you might choose, that in itself is not a reason to discontinue contact with them. Try to avoid setting conditions, such as requiring them to take medication or go to counseling, for continued contact. Remember to keep your child’s best interest at the center of all decisions that are made. If a birth parent’s mental health is having a negative impact on your child, there is certainly a place to set healthy boundaries. However, a birth parent who is given a list of criteria they must meet in order to have a relationship with you may feel like this is an unattainable expectation.
Set Compassionate Boundaries: With some mental health conditions, such as personality disorders, clear boundaries are essential. Boundaries should be set with empathy, balancing respect for the birth parent’s struggles with the need to protect your child and family’s emotional health. Use kind but clear language when communicating expectations.
Recognize the resilience and strength of birth parents who face mental health challenges. While navigating these relationships can be complex, it is possible to do so in a way that honors the birth parent and establishes a healthy open adoption for the benefit of everyone involved.