When preparing for adoption, a lot of the focus is on what is gained - a child now has a family and a family now has their long awaited child. Oftentimes, the topic of grief is not discussed. Children of all ages experience loss when they are adopted.
Helping Children Grieve and Grow by Donna O’Toole lists six categories of childhood loss: relationship loss (usually people and animals); loss of objects that give comfort (toys, blankets, clothing); loss of a secure, familiar environment; loss of self (ways of being and doing that define us uniquely); loss of skills, abilities, and competencies; and loss of familiar habits and routine.
In addition, children also grieve the loss of their biological family, stories of their origin, culture, and relationships with caregivers if they were in an orphanage or foster home.
In the book Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child, Ms. Maskew writes, "Experienced parents recommend that you take the initiative in talking with your child about losses and grief. You cannot go around the pain and loss, you must go through it." Also, she reminds parents of the need to teach children about emotion words and expressions." The grief process will be ongoing throughout the years.
A child’s concept of loss changes based on their developmental stage. For toddlers, they have a very literal understanding and think in a concrete way. Toddlers are often in the here and now and their grief reactions are typically brief, but can be very intense. Because they have a limited use of language and are not yet able to communicate their feelings, they are most likely to express themselves through their behavior and play. In Helping Children Grieve and Grow Ms. O'Toole writes, "Children usually don't tell you they are grieving. You can tell by what they say and do.”
When thinking through a behavior, reframe the lens you are looking through and think about all of the loss the child has experienced that is impacting them. A lot of the common reactions are similar to defiance, but try to look at the whole picture and behavior patterns and not just a specific behavior.
Toddlers can feel insecure and frightened when things change. They will need lots of emotional reassurance that they will be kept safe, especially if they have a history of trauma, abuse, or neglect.
Common behavioral reactions:
- Crying more, clinging, needing to be held, and being fearful
- Temper tantrums
- Irritability or stubbornness
- Withdrawal or showing a lack of response
- Changes in eating or sleeping habits, less ability to play
- Temporary regression (such as bedwetting, returning to crawling, wanting a bottle)
- General anxiety
- Irregular sleep
- Repetitive questions
- Concerned about their safety and who will take care of them
Ways to support the child:
- Provide information (you can do this over time) and honest answers to questions
- Talk about who is looking after them and keeping them safe
- Support them with touch and physical nurturance - hugs, encouragement, holding their hand etc.
- Read children's books together to help them identify feelings and learn to use words to describe feelings-Books About Feelings for Babies and Toddlers | ZERO TO THREE
- Encourage creative play and exercise as an outlet for thoughts and feelings
- Create a memory box together of items from their past
- Keep a consistent routine to ensure safety and predictability, especially around starting and ending the day
- Emotional nurturance
- Set limits but be flexible when needed
- Provide opportunities for play, both big energy and quieter play
- To help re-establish a sense of control, give choices whenever possible. “Do you want hot or cold cereal?”
By being patient, understanding, and offering unwavering support, you can create a safe and loving space for your adopted toddler to grieve and adjust. Remember, every child grieves differently. If you have any concerns, don't hesitate to seek professional guidance from a therapist or counselor specializing in adoption.
Resources:
Kidshealth.org- Nemours KidsHealth - the Web's most visited site about children's health
What to expect at different ages.pdf - Google Drive-NACG
Supporting Grieving Preschoolers.pdf - Google Drive-NACG
Center for Youth and Family Solutions