Adoption is a sacred and beautiful journey—creating a expectation that is often painted in glowing, heartwarming terms. We hear stories of instant connection, effortless bonding, and the joy of welcoming a child into a loving home. But for many adoptive families, the reality of attachment is far more complex, layered with unexpected challenges, slow progress, and moments of heartache.
As followers of Christ, we are called to love as He first loved us- faithfully, sacrificially, and patiently. But that doesn't mean the road is easy. In fact, embracing a realistic view of attachment after adoption might be one of the most faith-stretching experiences a parent can endure.
Expectation: I Will Feel an Instant Bond with My Child
Reality: Building Attachment Can Be a Slow, Sometimes Painful Process
One of the most common misconceptions about adoption is the idea that love and connection will come naturally and quickly. After all, you've prayed for this child, longed for them, and opened your heart and home. But true, lasting, secure attachment is rarely immediate. It is completely natural to feel like you are babysitting someone else’s child for the first few weeks or months until attachment forms.
Many children, especially those who have experienced trauma and loss need time to feel safe. You may feel attached to them, but they may not reciprocate those feelings. Their trust is not given freely; it is earned through consistently seeing and meeting their needs. They may push you away when you offer closeness, struggle to express affection, or seem indifferent altogether. It does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means healing is happening- just slowly.
If you are not already familiar with attachment styles, it may be helpful to learn more about them here. Being aware of our own attachment style can highlight areas of growth for us as parents.
Expectation: Love Will Fix Everything
Reality: Love is the Foundation, Not the Fix
Love is powerful—but love alone does not erase trauma. Many adoptive parents find themselves discouraged when their child continues to struggle emotionally or behaviorally despite being in a loving environment.
Scripture reminds us that “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). The love we are called to give is not just emotional- it is active and enduring. It is a choice to show up day after day, even when you do not see immediate results. God models this for us in His patient pursuit of our hearts.
You may need outside support, too. Adoption competent therapists trained in trauma and attachment can be extremely helpful in your family’s healing. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a step towards wholeness. Be proactive about seeking help if you notice attachment challenges- do not wait until you are at the end of your rope to ask for help.
Expectation: My Child Will Feel Grateful
Reality: My Child May Feel Conflicted
Adopted children often carry a tangle of emotions. Grief and loss can coexist with joy and safety. Expecting a child to feel gratitude can unintentionally place pressure on them that they are not developmentally or emotionally prepared to carry.
Instead, allow space for your child to be honest. Let them grieve. Let them be angry. Let them question. You do not have to know all of the “right” answers to sit with them through the hard feelings. Their story began with loss- and as redemptive as adoption can be, it does not negate that. Your steady presence through their emotional ups and downs is what will foster genuine attachment.
When Attachment Isn't What You Hoped
So what do you do when attachment is not progressing the way you thought it would?
Be honest with God. Pour your heart out in prayer. He’s not surprised by your struggles. Psalm 34:18 promises, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Lean into community. Surround yourself with people who get it. Support groups, trauma-informed counselors, and fellow adoptive parents can remind you that you’re not alone. Empowered to Connect is one great resource for adoptive families seeking tools and connection. Nightlight offers a support group focused on "Blocked Care" which is when parents feel unable to reach out to connect to their child. Join us for a group starting in September.
Redefine success. In adoption, success is not measured by how quickly your child bonds with you- it is measured by your faithfulness to keep showing up, no matter how long it takes.
Attachment is a marathon, not a sprint. As you walk this road, may you find strength in knowing that you serve a God who understands complex emotions, who adopts each of us into His family with patience and grace, and who will never stop pursuing your heart- or your child’s. Reach out to the Post Adoption Connection Center for more support.