In adoption work, we often emphasize preparing for the child who will be joining the family—and rightly so, as this transition of a new sibling is significant and life-changing. However, one group that is sometimes overlooked during this process is the children who are already living in the home.
Whether your current children are biological, adopted, or a mix of both, the addition of a new sibling through adoption can evoke complex emotions. From my experience supporting many families during these transitions, one thing has become clear: the adjustment affects everyone involved.
If you notice that your children are struggling after the adoption of a new sibling, know that you're not alone—and it does not mean you have done anything wrong. It simply means your family is navigating change, and that change deserves thoughtful support.
Why Children Already in the Home May Struggle
- Fear of Losing Their Place
Children thrive on stability and predictability. When a new sibling arrives—especially one who requires a lot of time and attention—your existing children may start to feel unsure about their place in the family. This can be especially true if your family has celebrated and discussed the adoption extensively leading up to the arrival. Your children might interpret the excitement as a shift in who matters most.
- Feeling Overlooked
Adoption transitions can be intense. The new child may require extra support, therapy appointments, or constant supervision, particularly if they come from a background of trauma or neglect. This shift in attention can leave your other children feeling overlooked or less important, even if that’s never your intention.
- Struggling with Unfamiliar Behaviors
Your new child may display behaviors that your current children haven’t encountered before, such as emotional outbursts, sensory issues, or difficulty with boundaries. These behaviors can confuse or frighten your other children, making them uncertain about how to respond or where to seek support.
- Pressure to “Be Okay”
Kids often sense that they are expected to be excited, supportive, and welcoming when a new sibling arrives. However, if their true feelings are mixed or even negative, they may bottle those emotions up out of guilt or fear of disappointing you. Over time, this unresolved tension can manifest as acting out, withdrawing, or regressing.
- Loss of Familiar Routines
A new sibling changes everything—from family schedules to daily routines and the amount of one-on-one time parents can spend with each child. For kids who thrive on routine, this disruption can be unsettling. They may grieve the “way things were,” even if they understand the change is for a good reason.
How Parents Can Help Ease the Transition
Supporting your current children through this adjustment doesn’t require having all the answers; it means being present, proactive, and patient. Here are some practical ways to assist:
- Prepare Early and Honestly
Talk with your children well before the adoption takes place. Be clear and age-appropriate about what to expect. Let them know:
- Things may feel different for a while.
- Their new sibling may need extra help.
- It’s okay to feel happy, nervous, sad, or anything in between.
Answer their questions honestly and validate their feelings as they arise.
- Protect Their Identity and Role
Children need to feel secure in their place within the family. Reassure them that they are still seen and valued—especially when your attention becomes divided. Remind them of what makes them special and important. Avoid comparing siblings, particularly in terms of behavior or progress, and find ways to involve them in the adoption process that affirms rather than burdens them.
- Maintain Routines Where Possible
Consistency can be comforting during times of change. Keep meals and bedtimes predictable, preserve family traditions and rituals even if you simplify them, and try to give each child some “just us” time, even if it’s just 10 minutes of focused attention. These small moments of connection help your children feel safe and prioritized.
- Invite Honest Conversations
Create a judgment-free space for your children to share their experiences. Let them know:
- It’s okay if they don’t feel close to their new sibling right away.
- It’s normal to miss how things used to be.
- They can approach you with difficult feelings without fear of punishment or shame.
Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s been the hardest part of this week?” or “What do you wish was different right now?”
- Equip Them with Tools and Language
Children often need help in understanding and expressing their feelings. Use books, play, or drawing to facilitate conversations. Teach them an emotional vocabulary so they can communicate more effectively about what’s going on inside. Consider family therapy or counseling if emotions seem overwhelming or persistent.
- Connect with Support
You don’t have to manage this transition alone. Surround yourself with a community that understands adoption and family dynamics. Whether through support groups, trusted friends, school counselors, or mental health professionals, seeking extra perspective and encouragement can be invaluable.
Resources:
Siblings in Adoption and Foster Care: Traumatic Separations and Honored Connections
Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson – The Whole-Brain Child
Karen Purvis – The Connected Child