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How to Choose an Adoptive Family: What is Most Important?

March 17, 2025

How to Choose an Adoptive Family: What is Most Important?

 

As a birthparent, when you choose adoption, you are choosing to allow another family to raise your child as their own. That means that the chosen, adoptive family will be providing your child with the love, care, attention, values, and opportunities that they deserve in life. That sounds like a lot of responsibility – how can you make sure that the family you choose will be the right family to provide all of those things?

While thinking of how to choose an adoptive family, keep in mind that all families who seek to adopt must complete a home study. A completed home study ensures an adoptive family has the appropriate resources, knowledge, capability, and support to adopt; additionally, Nightlight only works with potential adoptive families who are able to have an ongoing, open relationship. This means that all of the potential adoptive families that you will choose from are verified to be safe, secure, and loving families. Before making your choice, you can see the type of families we work with by viewing our Adoption Bridge website.

At first, it can seem daunting to answer the question: how do I choose an adoptive family? It will be important to consider your values, what type of openness you want, and what type of environment you want your child to grow up in. All of these preferences are up to you as a birthparent to decide, so take time to think about the following:

  • Values: Consider what is important to you in your own life and what you would want to ensure that your child is raised with. This might be a focus on education, having a strong faith, being financially stable, etc. Many adoptive families meet these criteria already, but it is important to share what your values are too. All families are built upon certain characteristic pillars; pillars of honesty, respect, service, leadership, love, and more. What pillars will your child’s life be built upon?
  • Openness: Think about what your ideal relationship with an adoptive family might look like. Does it include sharing letters every year, having a video call on the child’s birthday, meeting in person throughout the child’s life, etc.? We want to make sure that the openness that you feel comfortable with matches the same type of openness that your chosen adoptive family feels comfortable with. This shared openness helps to make sure that your ongoing relationship with your child and chosen adoptive family will be healthy, respectful, and consistent.
  • Environment: Imagine what a day in the life of your child might look like after adoption in 5 years. Who is in their household family? What activities are they interested in? Do they have pets? All of these things are part of their family and home environment, so consider which of these you envision your child to have. This environment could resemble the type of environment you grew up in, or you might prefer that it appears much different than how you were raised. Imagine themes such as siblings, extended family presence, child care plans, lifestyle/hobbies, pets, etc.

Hopefully, after considering all of these different factors, you will have a better idea of what type of adoptive family would be right for you to choose. Now that you have an idea of the type of adoptive family, it might be helpful to create a list of questions that you would like to ask them. You might ask what their support system looks like, what their community looks like, what activities they look forward to sharing with a child, if they plan to have other children, and if they are willing to commit to the openness you feel comfortable with. Hearing these things directly from an adoptive family may help you feel if they would be a good match.

Overall, this decision is an important part of your unique adoption plan and will have a big significance in who your child is raised to be. Remember that the one person who truly knows what is important when you choose an adoptive family for your child is YOU. You can remember the values, openness, and environment that you would like, but also remember to trust your inner feelings as you make this choice.

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