Adoption Fundraising during COVID19

You have embarked on the journey of a lifetime after much prayer, investigation, decision-making, and paperwork. You have committed to a huge financial commitment and are ready to begin fundraising, then the unthinkable happens – a pandemic. Large gatherings are out the window. Foundations have delayed application dates. What is an adoptive family to do? Remember, this time is temporary. Thankfully, some states and cities are slowly opening. In times like this, an alternative plan is necessary. Fundraising does not need to stop, but it does need to change. Map out a new route for raising funds. Here are 10 ideas to keep progressing in your financial goals.

  1. Plan for a GARAGE SALE. You have time to clean out your closets, garage, and attic. Begin organizing items and marking prices. As you feel comfortable, offer to pick up items from family and friends. When your town or city approves garage sales, you will be ready to roll.
  2. Sell larger items or a collection of items on FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE, OFFERUP, or your selling place of choice. As people have not been able to shop in stores, capitalize on personal sales.
  3. Plan for future GRANT APPLICATIONS. No, you may not be able to submit them now, but make a list of the ones which your family fits their criteria. Put the list in order of submission based upon deadlines listed online. Gather all documents and have your family’s story written, proofread, and perfected. Please do not get discouraged with the number available to your family. What matters most is not the quantity you submit but rather the quality of clarity and excellence with which you submit them.
  4. Make your ON-LINE FUNDRAISING PLATFORM accessible and easy for donors to use. This can be done at adoptionbridge.org. All donations are tax-deductible and only a 3% fee is charged for credit card processing. Of course, we are mindful of those who are affected by unemployment, but there are those family and friends who are able and willing to join you.
  5. OFFER SERVICES which people might need at this time. Pick up prescriptions, groceries, or run errands. Charge a set price or accept donations toward your adoption. As you reach out to people who need these services, give them assurance with protocol as to how you will accomplish the task with the highest protection level for them and you.
  6. RUN 5, GIVE 5. Quarantine and extra baking equals unwanted pounds! Invite your friends on social media (Facebook, Instagram …) to run or walk 5K followed by a donation of $5 to your adoption. Then ask your runners to nominate 5 of their friends to the challenge. Go big and make it WALK 10, GIVE 10, then nominate 10! Number 4 above will ensure an effortless donation procedure. Exercise and funding will be a win/win.
  7. Plan a VIRTUAL GALA. With the options of Facebook, YouTube Live, or Zoom, plan a gala that fits the interest and strengths of your unique family. Have an invitation blitz, sell on-line tickets, and create a fun and fast-moving program. The possibilities are endless. Invite special speakers or artists, read aloud a children’s adoption book, and have donated items for a silent auction. Make it a dessert event or a scones & tea night. Send out recipes ahead of time. Be creative and give people an opportunity to laugh and be inspired!
  8. Create a CONTEST. Offer a talent competition or challenge in dance, art, baking, pet photos, or anything fun you can imagine. Charge a fee to submit entries online. Post those entries for public votes. Charge a voting fee and then offer fun but inexpensive prizes for 1st, 2nd, & 3rd Consider intangible prizes such as their photo posted on Facebook for a month or a personal porch delivery of a plate of homemade cookies.
  9. Reread and reconsider ideas in the NIGHTLIGHT FINANCIAL GUIDE. Upon becoming a Nightlight family, a Financial Guide specific to your personal adoption became available to you. Some of the ideas may not have seemed to be a good fit for your family before COVID19; however, now you may see them as new options. Consider a shoe collection such as angelbins.com or www.funds2orgs.com. Utilize quarantine time to plan a Both Hands project at www.lifesongfororhans.org. Choose a sales fundraiser to meet the needs of this season such as First-Aid Kits at www.first-aid-product.com. If you did not receive a Financial Guide for embryo, domestic, or international adoption, please contact [email protected].
  10. Send an UPDATE LETTER to your family and friends. Start with a message of thanks for the many types of support you have been given from words of encouragement and prayers to donations. Give an update of your adoption journey and explain where you are in the process. Be honest about funding. Share what you have done to raise funds, how much you need to raise, and the ways in which the pandemic has affected your fundraising plans. Share how you are using personal stewardship during this time to add to your adoption fund. Give details about your current online funding platform and the exciting fundraisers you are planning for the summer and fall. Put out a plea for event volunteers.

In a time when global reactivity reigns, you can be intentially proactive. View your fundraising not as cancelled but as altered and even improved. In a season of financial lemons, make lemonade! We can be confident that even during a pandemic, Ephesians 3:20 is still truth, “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.”

 

Camie Schuiteman is the Financial Resource Specialist for Nightlight Christian Adoptions.

She can be reached at [email protected].

 

 

 

Pray For Adoption With Child Like Faith

 

Whether you are waiting for an adoption placement, walking next to a birth mom, or know an adoptee, here are some ways to pray for the adoption community, with child like faith.

Pray for their Grief. There is grief that exists uniquely for all parts of the adoption triad (birth mom-adoptee-adoptive family). There is loss and joy existing all at the same time. Pray that these emotions would be experienced without shame.

Pray for Openness. Pray that there would be openness that is right for all those involved. Every adoption situation is different, and openness looks different for everyone.

Pray for Peace and Comfort. For peace and comfort through the life lived and forever changed by adoption as a birth mom, adoptee and adoptive parent.

Pray for Perseverance. Adoption is a journey and is one that can change day to day for everyone involved. Emotions often run high and stamina can run low. Support systems can change and the road ahead looks uncertain. Pray for perseverance to press through the circumstances.

 

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God:

that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”

I John 5:14

 

written by Amanda Harmon

Preparing Your Biological Children for Adoption

Bringing and adopted child into your home will be a huge transition for your children. There are some practical ways that you can make this easier for your children and at least help them to better understand adoption and the changes it may bring to your family.

Explain the process

You want to be honest and realistic with your children. Explain what this process will look like and be honest about what the timeline might be. You also should work on preparing your children for some of the issues that your adopted child may have after coming home. You can use your education to talk with your children about issues that come from trauma that your child may struggle with. It is important not to paint a rosy picture about what things will look like because there may be some really difficult times.

It is also important to use positive adoption language when talking with your kids. You shouldn’t use phrases like “giving up their baby for adoption.” Instead you should tell them that the expectant parent is considering “making an adoption plan for her baby.” You can check out one of our older blogs to see more examples of positive adoption language: https://nightlight.org/2017/12/positive-adoption-language/

Read books together

            There are several books that are specifically written to help children better understand adoption. You can find many recommendations from Creating a Family HERE.

Involve your child

            It is important that your child feels involved in this process and preparation. Perhaps they could help pick out some toys or decorations for the child’s room. Maybe they can help get the room together. It may help them to feel more excited if they get to play a small part in this. Depending on the age of your child, it is also important to talk with them about the adoption and get their input and opinions. This isn’t to say that if you child isn’t on board that you need to stop the whole process, but you can at least address some of their concerns and work through these issues to help them feel more comfortable about the situation.

Spend one on one time with your kids

Obviously bringing a new child into your home is going to change things greatly. It is important that during the preparation period you aren’t completely focused on the adoption all the time. There should be a degree of normalcy in your child’s life still and you should cherish that time with them before everyone’s world changes. Once you bring your adopted child home, it will be important to continue some of your same routines and to make sure that you are having some quality one on one time with each of your children so that everyone is taken care of emotionally and physically.

 

written by Rebecca Tolson

Basics for Surviving at Home With Trauma-Impacted Kids

 

The COVID-19 pandemic has brought stress, anxiety, and fear into our lives in unprecedented ways. As an agency, our hearts are burdened heavily for our adoptive families, knowing that many of you already live in a household full of stress, anxiety, and fear due to struggles and trauma in your adopted children’s lives. School can typically provide a respite from difficulties in the home for both you and your child so in its absence, we wanted to share some helpful behaviors and attitudes you must remember to focus on to help your family survive, and maybe even thrive, during this chaotic time. Our Nightlight offices and Post Adoption Connection Center (PACC) are here to support you, so please reach out for any help you need to any of our staff or Heather with the PACC at [email protected].

 

Keep your child regulated – We all know prevention is better than being forced to respond to a crisis. Stay on top of the simple things you can do every day to keep your child regulated and potentially prevent the tantrums, meltdowns, dysregulation, and outbursts.

  • Keep a regular schedule of healthy snacks and meals, drinking plenty of water, making sure they are getting good rest, and physical activity. As adults, we know how cranky we can get when we are “hangry” and we have the maturity to handle ourselves better. Perhaps your child’s meltdown or bad attitude is due to be hungry, thirsty, tired, or under stimulated. Before you blame their past trauma, ask yourself when the last time they had snack was. If it was more than 2 hours ago, grab and apple or granola bar for them.
  • Create a routine. Children thrive in routine and especially our children with trauma who live in a constant state of uncertainty and hyper-vigilance. If they cannot predict what is coming next, they will get fearful, and be triggered into flight/fight/freeze mode. Make a schedule, do regular activities at times they expect, and stick to it. Not only does this help save you brain power of thinking up how to spend time but also allows your child to rest in what is expected.

 

Self-care for Parents – You cannot give the additional care your child needs if you are not building up strength and patience in yourself, by caring for yourself. You are used to having space away from your child, so create some of that space at home. Take a break from your child every day.

  • If you are married, talk with your spouse about giving each other daily time alone, away from your children, to do activities that refresh you. You need to be intentional to balance the load and work out a schedule during this hectic time. If one parent needs to focus on homeschool during the day, the other parent should handle morning and evening routines with the child.
  • If you are a single parent, utilize “rest time” for yourself while your child does an activity they can be trusted to do alone in another space. Maybe this means is a little bit more screen time than you usually allow if that is an activity that will keep your child occupied for a little longer. Remember this time is not our normal lives and it is ok to do some things you would not normally allow if it will meet the ultimate goal of caring for yourself and your child better.
  • Identify your goals and expectations for each day, focused on your family and child. How do you survive, connect, and give grace to each other today? How will that be different tomorrow? Lower your expectations for yourself and family during this time if needed. It is ok if the laundry does not get done if it gives you some extra time to care for your soul or connect with your child.

 

Increased structure needs increased nurture – With everyone contained in the home, you may see an increase in difficult behaviors from your child. They are reacting to the change in their routine as much as you are, and we encourage you to see this as an opportunity to connect with your child. As Dr. Purvis once said, relationship based trauma needs healthy relationships to heal. Notice where your child’s behaviors push you away from them and develop strategies to overcome this in yourself. It is good if rules and structure need to increase but that must come along with increased connection in your relationship.

  • Only rules with no fun, connecting engagements between you and your child will not develop the much needed trust your child needs to follow those rules with a happy heart. If your child is resisting your rules, engage in conversation with them about your expectations and listen to their responses. You might be asking for more than they are able to give, especially if your child is developmentally delayed in any area.
  • Consider the rules you are setting for your child and what the ultimate goal is for those rules. Is it to teach your child to be a healthy, attached adult or are the rules just to get them to obey what you say? Do your rules and discipline reinforce an attached relationship with your child or do they push them away?

 

Read adoption books and resources – Instead of seeing this time as a limitation, see it as freedom. Our American lifestyles are so busy and we never have time to do the good things that allow us to grow and strengthen ourselves. Have a family reading time and pick up that adoption book you’ve always said you should read, but haven’t. We would recommend:

  • Books
    • The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis
    • The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Seigel
    • Wounded Children, Healing Homes by Jayne Schooler
    • Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray
    • Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina
  • Online resources from Harmony Family Center
    • This organization has provided wonderful resources for parents, children, and families. There are training resources for parents, giving you tips on how to handle challenging behaviors in your children and sensory resources for children with sensory processing disorders. They also provide activities for children and families at home. https://www.harmonyfamilycenter.org/harmony-at-home 

written by Heather Sloan

Working from Home With Kids

 

With COVID 19 being the main focus of the world right now, schools have closed in an effort to slow the spread. This will give medical professionals a fighting chance to treat the growing number of patients coming in for testing and treatment. While this is a beautiful picture of our nation’s ability to work together to help support our immune-compromised communities, it comes with added stress for parents and teachers. Many parents are suddenly needing to figure out the world of homeschooling, all while potentially working from home. The challenge then becomes keeping kids busy, happy, and learning while schools are closed.

We have found that families that are already homeschooling have been more than ready to jump in and provide support. Thanks to their extensive help (extra special thanks to my sister Bethany) we were able to create a list of educational resources to occupy and keep your kids on track while you work from, home starting with the best overall programs and options and then filtering down to subject-specific options.

Best Overall Educational Resources: There is a large number of educational companies stepping in to offer solutions during this time, this blog provides an extensive list including links. There is also a website called amazingeducationalresources.com that has a comprehensive list of options available for those who have time to review it.

Scholastic Learn At Home: Scholastic has worked hard to keep kids busy and learning while school closures keep them home. They have courses designed for all age groups and a week full of educational content already available, with more coming.

Beanstalk: For parents with kids between 1.5 years old up to 6, Beanstalk is providing free memberships for the duration of the COVID 19 threat.

TurtleDiary: This website had easy to access games on a range of topics that will help your kids learn and have fun all at once.

 

Math:

Khan Academy– Math lessons and practice starting from preschool on up. Along with other subjects available both online and with an easy to use app. This came highly recommended by teachers and is often used in schools.

Prodigy.com– Let your kids play games and collect prizes while they do math. We have it on good authority that a lot of kids consider these video games, but it may be better suited to kids over 2nd grade due to the complexities of the games, depending on your student.

 

Science and Geography:

Mystery Science: K-5 science curriculum with mini-lessons that can be used throughout the week. There are free options, and subscriptions available.

Brain Pop or Brain Pop Jr: Another extensive learning platform that you can access thanks to COVID 19.

National Geographic Kids: Explore a lot of fun topics with NatGeoKids.

YouTube: There are a lot of options on this platform. Some supervision may be recommended to ensure your kids are staying on the right channels instead of exploring YouTube as a whole. We recommend checking out Sci-show, or Sci-show kids, along with crash course and crash-course kids. These four channels were created with the specific intent of making learning fun and have extensive video libraries available immediately. FreeSchool is also a popular channel for homeschooling.

 

Language Arts:

Hoopla: If you are feeling the loss of your local library closing down, try downloading Hoopla and get access to free audiobooks, and e-books using your library card.

FunBrain for Kids: This website covers many topics, but also has a lot of books that kids can read for free.

 

Art:

YouTube– Find “how-to” videos for drawing almost anything. Lunch Doodles with Mo Williams is a popular new choice for younger kids. Older kids may prefer to search for something specific they want to learn how to draw or paint. You can also find plenty of free printable coloring pages.

 

P.E:

GoNoodle.com– this has interactive videos to get the kids moving. I also have it on good authority from my own kids that this website is great.

 

Time for a Field Trip:

Ok, you might not be able to go on an actual field trip right now, but you may be surprised what you can explore through the internet and virtual field trips.

While this is not an exhaustive list of your options, it may narrow things down and help you along as you teach and work from home. For our foster and adoptive parents, we strongly recommend scheduling your day in a simple way to help your kids adjust to this new norm. It would not be surprising for them to face higher levels of stress than children without a trauma background. Let’s face it, we’re a little stressed right now! Most importantly, have some grace on yourself during this time and on the teachers who are trying to figure out how to teach from home too. We will figure this out together, day by day.

written by Deb Uber

6 Helpful Tips for Bonding With Your Adopted Child

 

Bonding is a critical part of building your relationship with your adopted child and is a precursor for how they will develop in the future, whether it be their physical growth, intellect, or how they form relationships with others. This is why it is important to have a strong foundation in the household when it comes to bonding and attachment. It’s common for adoptive parents to worry whether or not they will be able to form that bond with their adoptive child.

Whether you first hold your child in the delivery room, three months later, or three years later, the same tips of bonding and attachment apply. They include:

  1. Open the lines of communication: Talk to your child often. Be present and interact with him or her. Children need lots of reassurance and you both will learn about each other this way. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Toddlers and young children are full of a million questions. These questions provide a great way to connect and set the stage for meaningful conversations for years to come. And remember that it’s common for a toddler or older child to be shy when being transitioned into a new family. Don’t force a relationship. Be patient as you learn about one another.
  2. Understand that rejection is not about you: Early interactions make a lifelong impact on a child. It is important for children in hospital/foster/orphanage/institutional settings to be cared for by a familiar figure and to make a connection early on. Studies have shown that children who have benefited from a strong early bond in a safe setting will transition more easily, while children who have been exposed to poor conditions and lack a strong connection to a caregiver often exhibit trust issues later on. Most toddlers who have experienced rejection respond by becoming rejecting. For adoptive parent who feel a sense of rejection or distance, it can be a confusing and hurtful process. It’s easy for adoptive parents to blame themselves. While it may feel overwhelming on your end, try to imagine how your child may be feeling, but unable to put into words.
  3. Touch & Eye Contact: Find opportunities to have physical contact with your child. This can be holding your child in your lap, patting their leg, brushing their hair, lotion after bath time, etc. When talking to your child, make eye contact to let your child know you are fully present. But please do not force your child to make eye contact. When possible, get on their level, put your hand on their shoulder, and speak in a gentle voice. Feed your child during meal time if they will allow you to do so (even older kids benefit from being fed). Touch and eye contact will help your child feel safe and wanted.
  4. Create a routine: Children coming from foster care/institutions crave structure and routines. It helps give them a sense of control and allows them to develop trust. Having set bedtime rituals for a younger child, or a weekly family movie night for an older child are great ways to establish a connection with your child.
  5. Establish Permanency: Your child may have a fear that if they misbehave, you will no longer love them. Reiterate to your child that you still love them, even when you are in a bad mood or if they have misbehaved in some way. Send positive messages to your child to let them know that you will love them no matter what, allowing them to heal and attach.
  6. Do activities together: Teach the child how to do something you love: cooking, gardening, fishing, a favorite sport. They may end up enjoying the activity, creating a shared interest! In turn, engage in an activity that the child enjoys. This will show them that you are interested in what they like, and want to be part of their life. You may even want to consider creating a new tradition together that involves the whole family that everyone can enjoy together.

written by Hannah Tatman & Stephanie Muth

 

 

How to Spread the Word About Embryo Adoption

 

For the past twelve years, I have been working for Nightlight Christian Adoptions. All of my focus has been on raising awareness and participation in embryo donation and adoption. The most discouraging words I hear on any given day are, “I’ve never heard about this before. You need to be doing more to help people know about this wonderful adoption choice!”

Yes. We do.

Today we are going to focus on our BEST voice for letting other people know—YOU!

Why are you our best voice?

  • Because you may have successfully placed your remaining embryos for adoption.
  • Because you may have adopted embryos and given birth to your child.
  • Because you know people who are facing infertility and would be delighted to know about this adoption choice.
  • Because whether you know it or not, you know people who have remaining embryos and would love to help them be born.
  • Because the more people like you who are telling other people, the more people know.
  • One in eight couples are diagnosed with infertility in the United States.

Here are some ideas for helping you engage with people around you. If you would like to talk with me about one of these ideas, or another fabulous idea you have, please contact me in our Colorado office.

  1. Forward the monthly Snowflakes Newsletter to everyone in your email distribution list. There is a super-easy ‘Forward to a Friend’ button at the bottom.
  2. When you send out your Christmas cards/photos/letters this year attach this Snowflakes badge. There are many online services that will allow you to create personalized stickers.
  3. Participate on a Snowflakes Facebook Live session to share your donation or adoption story and answer questions from new inquirers.
  4. Create a vlog series of short, interesting, engaging videos for YouTube, allowing you to uniquely record and share your embryo donation or adoption journey.
  5. If you live near one of our ten Nightlight state offices, work with that office’s staff to be the keynote at an informational adoption seminar specifically on embryo adoption.
  6. Take your Snowflake baby back to your fertility clinic to introduce your baby and encourage the Reproductive Endocrinologist, Embryologist, Donor Coordinator, Nursing staff—everyone—to proactively promote Snowflakes among patients, both donation and adoption.
  7. Choose six (or more) churches in your community. Go visit. Talk with the church secretary. See if you can talk with the pastor or schedule an appointment for later. Ask if there is a specific person in the church who is passionate about adoption and talk with them.
  8. Submit your family’s embryo donation or adoption story to be included on our Family Story pages on the Snowflakes website (please email [email protected] to learn how to submit your story).
  9. Create a 15-30 second video that can be used in our social media advertising campaigns.
  10. Send us photos of your Snowflakes babies, along with a completed photo release form, to use in our awareness efforts!
  11. Talk with your employer’s human resource department and ask to have any adoption benefits apply to embryo adoption. (Proctor & Gamble provides this benefit to their employees.)
  12. Reach out to your local media outlets—newspapers/T.V./radio, to ask if they would be interested in your embryo donation or adoption story. Human-interest stories are a valuable tool for grabbing the attention of their audience.

Written by Kimberly Tyson

Learn more about embryo adoption at Snowflakes.org and EmbryoAdoption.org.

Meaningful Ideas for Birth Parent Gifts

 

Having a prospective birthmother choose you to raise her child is a priceless gift that you can never truly repay. Many adoptive parents choose to express their feelings for a birthparent by giving them a meaningful gift at the hospital when the baby is born or at placement- something a birthparent can treasure for the rest of their life. With the holidays approaching you can also be mindful to continue celebrating and loving your birthparents, even if the placement has already happened. For birthparents, the holidays can be a difficult time, filled with reminders of loss and grief. This is completely normal. Adoption can hold a lot of pain, loss, heartbreak, and grief, but also a lot of forgiveness, redemption, and love. The sheer definition of the word “gift” is: “a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.” It is a simple act of kindness to show someone that they are cared for, thought about, and loved.

 

Because giving birthparents gifts can be a sensitive topic, it’s important that you talk to your agency caseworker about what gift is appropriate in your situation, whether it is for placement or after. Your caseworker will be able to give you input about which kind of gift is best for the birthparent’s emotions at that time, as well as remind you of your state’s legal standards regarding living expense laws before or at placement.

 

Here are some gift ideas for birthparents, whether it is for the adoption placement or a “just because” gift throughout the years as you continue to grow with one another in the adoption process:

 

  1. Flowers: Flowers are always a cheery sight for anyone. For a first match meeting, the hospital, or an annual visit, this can be a great idea to bring with you and give directly to her – or have them delivered. This could also be a fruit or chocolate bouquet.

 

  1. A commemorative piece of jewelry: Many adoptive parents choose to give their child’s birthmother a piece of jewelry she can wear as a reminder of the child she placed for adoption. It may be engraved with her baby’s initials or feature the baby’s birthstone. Whatever personalization you choose to give it, make sure it’s subtle so that your child’s birthmother is not constantly having to explain it to people she may not want to share that part of her story with. We have also seen adoptive families gift their birthmother a beautiful necklace called the “Adoption Triad Necklace”. It is simple, delicate, and a subtle chain necklace with a gold triangle; representing the adoption triad.

 

  1. A post–partum recovery basket: Recovering from giving birth can be both a physical and emotional act. A birthmother could not only be dealing with the emotions of placing her child for adoption, but also may have had to take time off work. You can make that process easier by creating a spa, self-care basket (lotions, bath items, etc.) so she can pamper herself during this time. If approved by your lawyer or agency caseworker, you may wish to also send a gift basket of meal preparation, gift cards and other practical things to help her during this time.

 

  1. Stuffed Animals: Birthmothers will likely be looking for comfort after placing their child for adoption. I recommend getting two identical stuffed animals: gift one to the birthparent, and one to the child. I then encourage adoptive families to take monthly/yearly photos of the child next to the stuffed animal as they continue to grow and send these photos to the birthmother. This is so the birthmother can see how big the child is growing and will be able to compare it to the same stuffed animal she has. To go a step further, you could even purchase a stuffed animal with a recording in it and record the child’s voice or heartbeat to gift to the birthmother. Another option is taking an outfit your child wore during their time in the hospital and have it turned into a bear.

 

  1. An engraved watch: Like jewelry for birthmothers, an engraved watch is a great way for a birthfather to carry around the memory of his child and your relationship with him. As you would with the jewelry, make sure the engraving is subtle (perhaps on the inside of the wrist) so he doesn’t have to answer unwelcomed questions about what it means. Ideas for engravings could be the child’s time of birth, the child’s date of birth, or initials.

 

  1. A meaningful book or an adoption memory book: If you know the birthparent has a particular interest in something, consider buying them a book about that subject. This goes hand in hand with hobbies. If you know your birthparent is interested in a particular hobby as well, consider gifting them something along those lines. Sometimes adoptive parents have created a more involved memory book as well for their birthparents. In addition to photos, it can include mementos from the adoption process, like your original adoptive family profile, things from the hospital stay, baby’s footprints, etc. You can leave blank pages for the memories still to come. Some families purchase a recordable children’s book. Have the birthmother record her voice by reading the book. This will allow her voice to be heard by the baby and it is a wonderful way for her to feel connected with her child. As the child gets older and is able to read, you could also have the child record their voice and gift the book back to the birthmother.

 

  1. Beautiful Framed Art: If you and the birthparents live in different cities or states, you could gift them with a beautiful art piece of the two cities or state maps overlapping one another. This could be found online, such as Etsy. A framed copy of your child’s footprints or handprints would be meaningful too if your birthparent did not receive this from the hospital. Even as your child grows up, don’t forget to gift your birthparents some of the child’s artwork that they will create throughout the years.

 

  1. Photo frame or photo album: A birthparent may appreciate a memorable, engraved frame or photo album with several photos of their child. This way, they can store or switch out photos they receive from you or the agency over the years as their baby grows up.

 

  1. Journal: Gift your birthmom a journal. This can not only be healing and therapeutic for her, but also a way for her to write notes and letters to her child. You could also do a stationary set that includes envelopes and stamps so that she can send letter to her child.

 

  1. Keepsake box: A memory box or a keepsake box contains a selection of memorable and meaningful items or memorabilia that belonged to a loved one. Gifting your birthmom a memory box can be a significant and meaningful way for her to store precious memories and gifts that you send her.

 

Remember, each adoption relationship is different, and it may not always be the right thing to give a gift to the birthparents. However, if you do choose to give your child’s birthparents a meaningful gift, it can be an important step in solidifying a strong relationship between you all for many years to come.

 

Written by Caidon Glover, LMSW | Pregnancy Counselor

The Money Grab

 

 

 

As an adoption professional working in private adoption, I am often confronted with what I call “The Money Grab” accusation.  Often, well-meaning people make grand sweeping statements about the cost of adoption, such as:

“If you are a Christian organization, then why don’t you do this for free?”

“Why does private adoption cost so much, when it’s free to adopt from the state?”

“Charging this much money for a child is unethical!”

“It just feels like a money grab to me.”

“What is the agency really doing that costs so much, when people adopt independently, it doesn’t cost them nearly as much?”

It is important to me that people are properly educated on all aspects of adoption, including the cost.  Allow me to respond to a few of these statements above.

For most adoption agencies, the biggest cost is staff salaries.  As a nonprofit, our staff are not paid high salaries, but they must be paid for their work.  There is so much that is done by our staff behind the scenes prior to the birth mother ever matching with a family. Although it is possible to do an independent adoption, in those scenarios, it is the adoptive family communicating with birth mother inquiries, paying for advertising, using their time to visit pregnancy resource centers, and talking to birth mothers that may contact them 24/7 and then screening each one to determine if she is legit or scamming, if she is a good match for their family, what the costs would be to support her during her pregnancy, etc.  I once had a family who was inquiring with us that was doing this very thing.  Just before deciding to apply with us, they had a birth mother contact them.  They put their application on hold while they vetted the situation and called us often for advice.  Ultimately, after flying to meet the birth mother and evaluate the situation, they decided not to move forward with the match.  When they called to finalize their application, he told me how stressful the whole experience was and that he would pay us “any amount of money” to avoid having to do that again.  (Of course, he was being facetious but I think his experience was very common).

Many families with our own agency do their own outreach and connecting with birth mothers, and while we encourage families to put their profiles on social media to gather more coverage, we always ask that the birth mothers contact our pregnancy counselors in order to connect with the adoptive family.  The reason we do this is so that we can cut down on financial and emotional scams that sometimes come along with being in contact with a birth mother for the first time.  It allows us to start the counseling with her immediately, and bring the family in when the time is right.

In addition, adoption from foster care is not free.  This is a myth.  While it may only cost the adoptive family 0 to a few thousand dollars to adopt from foster care, tax payers have already paid for all of the other steps in the process.  Did you know that the average cost to care for a child in state custody is $60,000 per year?  Certainly, foster parents are not receiving that amount of money.  The majority of this cost is to pay state employees.  Even after the child is adopted, the state continues to pay a monthly subsidy for the child. And of course, that money comes from taxpayers. So, the truth is that private adoption is MUCH cheaper but because the money is paid by the adopter rather than tax payers, it is often seen as “unethical”.

Regarding Christians stepping up to address this issue, many have!  There are so many organizations out there now that offer grants, funding, and no interest loans.  Most of these organizations are Christian organizations who recognize that we need to support adoption and adoptive families but not expect that professionals working in the adoption community should be working without pay.  While I’m sure that you have heard people say they can’t afford to adopt, one of the first things we tell people when they come to us is that they can afford to adopt.  We have seen families pay for their entire adoption through grant funding or crowd funding.  The idea that adoption is not affordable for some is simply not true but most people do not know that these options exist.  Our agency even has a person on staff who will meet with families if needed to go over all of these options and help them with their applications for funding.

Of course there are people out there who overcharge and see adoption as a money making business and that is sad.  I typically see this more often in for profit organizations or adoption attorneys, though I want to be clear that not all for profit agencies or attorneys view adoption this way, and I am sure that there are some nonprofit organizations also operating with poor business practices.  For many of these organizations, if the birth mother changes her mind, usually the family loses all of the money they have paid and have to start over.  I agree with you that this should not be the case.  Nightlight handles most birth mother expenses through our agency fees and families do not have to pay all the fees again if a birth mother does not place.  This is our attempt to mitigate cost for adoptive families.

For more information on the costs of adoption and where the money goes, please see these other Nightlight blogs:

https://nightlight.org/2018/08/the-cost-an-analogy-for-adoption-part1/

https://nightlight.org/2018/08/the-cost-an-analogy-for-adoption-part-2/

https://nightlight.org/2019/11/why-isnt-adoption-free/

https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/blog/2018/09/where-does-all-the-money-go

For ideas on funding your adoption, please see the blog and financial resources page linked below:

https://nightlight.org/2018/05/funding-your-adoption-it-is-possible/

https://nightlight.org/page/2/?s=adoption+funding

 

written by Lisa Prather , LMSW | Vice President of Operations

Ways to Teach Your Children Thankfulness

 

Have you wondered how to teach your young children to be grateful when we live in a world where people around us complain or think they deserve certain things? It is a challenge many parents face with a lack of confidence. Research has shown that if adults focus on three to five situations daily, they are thankful for, their mood improves, and over time they are happier overall. Teaching your child at a young age to have gratitude is one of the best gifts toward life-long positive mental health they can receive.

 

Model

Have you seen your child walk around talking nonsensible and holding a phone at an early age? And you laugh, realizing they are mimicking your behavior before they even understand full conversations? It is how modeling works. Children soak up your actions and words at such a fast speed because their brains are learning at a quick rate during their young years. They desire to be like you. One of the best and most important ways to teach thankfulness is to model it on purpose and often by expressing it through words (“I am so grateful I have the opportunity to spend time with you today”). Acts such as smiling, hugging, or being helpful help too!. Say it out loud often to various people and show random acts of kindness.

 Encourage

Create a ritual at the dinner table or bedtime where you say out loud three to five things you’re thankful for, and/or make a gratitude jar and fill it with notes about who or what you appreciate and share them. We live in a culture where we have plenty of material needs, and reminding them of being thankful for a bright moon and stars and enjoying time to play together fosters a consistent grateful attitude.

Reframe

Children need to know that when they face difficulties, they still have it pretty good. The next time they complain, model how to find the silver lining. If you have to wait in line at the grocery store, say, “at least we were able to get everything we needed for the whole week.” It is crucial to not preach this message, but genuinely say it as an example for them to see and learn naturally.  Practice seeing the positives with every setback and help your children find it.

Serve

Create situations that your children can observe and help you serve others who are less fortunate. Help the homeless by dropping off coats, serve at a soup kitchen, create gift boxes for children in other countries, and drop off food and clothes to shelters with other children.

 

written by Lisa Richardson, MSW,LISW-CP/Foster Care Advocate