Finding an Adoption-Competent Therapist

Adoption has a lifelong impact on everyone involved – children, birth families, and adoptive families. Most families seek post adoption support at some point – whether immediately after bringing a child home or years down the road. Post adoption support can include educational resources, support groups, respite opportunities, counseling/therapy, or parent coaching.

When searching for an adoption-competent therapist, seek a professional who has an understanding of adoption related issues such as: grief and loss, trust and attachment issues, identity formation problems, and trauma. Adoption-competent therapists will understand that children who have been adopted will often face issues that are “embedded in the abuse or neglect experienced before the child was adopted”[1], and will understand the importance of including new family members, especially parents in the treatment process.

There are many approaches to therapy and the type of approach a parent chooses will likely change over time. These methods will change as children grow and develop and as children experience life events – such as graduating from school, moving to college, starting a job, getting married, experiencing a death in the family, or becoming parents themselves. A few types of therapy include: behavior modification, family therapy, group therapy, play therapy, cognitive therapy, trauma-informed therapy, and attachment-focused therapy.

Finding the right therapist can feel like a daunting task. Here are a few steps we recommend:

Identify Prospective Therapists
1. Online directories can make this quick and easy. One example is in the directory from the Center for Adoption Support and Education or the Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner List.
2. Ask your adoption or foster care agency! Most agencies have a list of local, adoption-competent therapists ready to share.
Interview Prospective Therapists
1. Many therapy practices will offer an introductory interview, but if not – ask to schedule one to ensure that this therapist will be able to provide what your family needs. Ask about the types of therapy or treatments they specialize in and do not be afraid to ask about their experience working with adoptive families.
2. Some specific questions to ask may include:

- - “Have you taken any courses or trainings in adoption competency?”
  - “Do you prefer to work with the entire family or only with children?”
  - “What is your experience working with ____ (be specific about the adoption issues your family is facing- open adoptions, transracial adoptions, children who have experienced abuse, children with attachment disorders, etc.)?”

Once you select an adoption-competent therapist and being working with them, remember that your commitment is crucial – so keep those regular appointments scheduled and maintain open lines of communication between yourself, the child, and the therapist. As always, remember that seeking any kind of post adoption support is not a sign of weakness or poor parenting, but rather a sign of commitment to permanency and supporting your child for life!

References and Additional Resources for Families:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/services/

https://chsva.org/post-adoption-program/post-adoption-services-support/

_____________________

[1] https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/f_therapist.pdf

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with the aim to honor the millions of families who have experienced loss of children through miscarriage, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons, or infant death.

Historically, such a loss either was not recognized as significant or was just one of those things we did not talk about, even though an early miscarriage represents a profound loss for hopeful parents. It is important not only for our society to recognize and give voice to this type of loss, but also for those who have experienced it to allow themselves to grieve and to honor the children they have lost.

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, stating, “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”

Here are some small things you can do to honor those who have lost pregnancies and infants. Even if you have not experienced this kind of loss, anyone can participate.

Participate in the International Wave of Light campaign by lighting a candle at 7 p.m. (your local time) on October 15. You can share photos on social media platforms using the hashtags #waveoflight, #waveoflight2022
Join a walk or other remembrance activity on October 15 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Remembrance Day).
Help spread awareness through social media.
Ask your local government to recognize and officially proclaim October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Wear a pink and/or blue ribbon, or tie pink and blue ribbons around trees.
Join a local ministry or church support group for grieving families or those facing infertility.

Many families have experienced joy after pregnancy or infant loss through the miracle of embryo adoption through the Snowflakes Embryo Adoption Program! Visit Snowflakes.org to learn more.

Tips and Tricks to Use While Handling Big Emotions

Children from hard places often lack the skills and coping mechanisms. These skills are typically taught to children from a young age to help them calm down in times on emotional difficulty, but due to living in a constant fight or flight state, this lesson is missed. Therefore, when children in care experience big emotions it can often in turn look like tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, and/or fighting. During times of our children’s emotional dysregulation, it may often feel trying for us as caregivers. The good news is that there are ways for caregivers to help co-regulate and teach children in their home to calm down. This blog post will list a few tips and tricks to use while caregivers are handling their children’s big emotions.

Labeling and Rethinking Emotions – Caregivers can begin aiding children by first helping them understand their emotions. From the time that we are young, humans have five basic emotions: joy, sadness, anger, fear, and disgust, and as we develop, we begin to realize how complex those emotions really are. For example, how combining feelings such as anger and disgust would result in the feeling of contempt. As another example, how mixed feelings of a lot of sadness and a bit of disgust would result in regret, but in reverse, the mixed feelings of a lot of disgust and a bit of sadness would result in the feeling of guilt. Some children can be hesitant to identify or acknowledge their negative emotions such as sadness, anger, or fear because they are taught that these are “bad emotions”. Therefore, by helping children label their feelings past the five basic emotions and accepting those

emotions, caregivers can give children a tool to begin to ask for what they need. A tangible tool that may be beneficial while using this technique could be a feelings chart. Our foster team loves this one from the movie ‘Inside Out’ as it displays all of the combinations of emotions one may experience.

Model and Validating Difficult Feelings – When a child is experiencing emotional dysregulation and displaying it through tantrums with hitting, screaming, fighting, or crying it is important to remember where this child comes from. You may never know your child’s full history and experiences; however, children from hard places typically were not subject to a home where their family of origin modeled healthy coping mechanisms and techniques to outlet big emotions. Therefore, in your role as a caregiver, modeling difficult feelings and healthy ways to cope can be very beneficial to children in your care. As professionals, we often tell our foster parents it is okay to tell your foster child that when you get frustrated that you too need to take a minute in the “calm down tent” as well. By modeling healthy ways to deal with big emotions, you are also validating to your children that it is normal to have those feelings and validation is a powerful tool in communicating that you understand and accept what they are feeling. A skill that goes hand-in-hand with this may be using a 1-10 scale to rank the intensity of your emotion. For example, you may have taken the wrong turn to work and now you are going to be late. That escalates your emotional state to a “4”, but later that night you drop your computer and it breaks and that pushes you to a “9” or “10”. Practicing this self-awareness exercise with your children, even in times when emotions may be a “1” or “3” can be beneficial when our emotions get to an “8” or “9”.

Positive Attention and Active Ignoring – One of the most powerful tools caregivers have in influencing children’s behavior is attention. Attention is a reward in itself to children and therefore giving positive attention to good behavior will increase that behavior. Therefore, every time you see that behavior you want to praise it and give a lot of attention to it, all while remaining sincere, enthusiastic, and genuine. For example, you and your child have worked on breathing techniques as a coping mechanism and during a moment of emotional dysregulation, you see your child take a deep breath. Be sure to say, “I love that you remembered to take a deep breath!” and then continue to take deep breathes with them.

On the other hand, withdrawing attention conspicuously or actively ignoring a negative behavior can be used as a way to discipline and reduces the chances of that behavior being repeated. Caregivers can validate feelings while still not giving attention to bad behavior. Therefore, in times of whining, arguing, inappropriate language, or defiance you turn your attention elsewhere that may look like turning your face, whole body, or sometimes leaving the room. However, the most essential piece to this is that as soon as the child does something that you can praise, you turn your positive attention on again.

Special One on One Time – At the end of the day, a caregiver can only be so successful with these techniques if there is not an added level of connection with their child. Connection is important in any relationship as it builds a foundation of strength, trust, and respect. If the relationship between a caregiver and a child does not foster this foundation, there is no room for correction. Therefore, by prioritizing dedicated, positive, one-on-one time with your child regularly, without parental commands, ignoring minor misbehaviors, and just attending to your child, you can build a deeper connection and foundation to build on. Even if this is only five minutes daily, take time and give your child your undivided attention to reinforce that you love them no matter what.

Ambiguous Loss and Adopted Children

Ambiguous loss is a term that defines the heartache and grief that comes with losing a person or relationship that is surrounded by confusion or uncertainty about that person or relationship. Finding closure is difficult with normal losses, such as death, but it is impossible with ambiguous loss when the loss is not officially recognized or final.

Think about children who are unable to grow up in their biological family. In addition to being separated from their family of origin, they lose all that is familiar to them. They experience the absence of their birth family, but know they are still present in the world. The foster or adopted child, as well as the birth family, may think about and be curious about the other. They may dream about what it would be like to be together. Adoptive parents may also experience ambiguous loss because of pregnancies that ended in miscarriage or from the loss of their dream of having biological children. This article will focus on children, specifically as they reach school age, and begin to realize their losses. This time may bring about feelings of hurt and grief the child may have never acknowledged in the past. These losses are not commonly addressed in society and few rituals exist to allow an adoptee to express their loss.

Recently, I was talking to my teenage son, who was adopted from a Central American country as a toddler. I talked to him about how ecstatic I was to return to the U.S. to introduce him to our family and friends, who were very happy about his arrival into our family. At the same time, I shed tears as we flew away from his country of birth, knowing he was leaving behind his foster family, his birth family, his siblings (both foster and biological), his country of birth, first language, culture, traditions, religion, racial connections, medical history, genealogy, favorite foods, smells, etc. I said, “We showered you with gifts and joyfulness, no one has ever talked to you about all that you lost. When someone dies, we go to their funeral and take a casserole to their family, but we’ve never really done anything to help give closure to all that you have lost.” Even if no one dies, there is still loss in these situations.

There are two types of ambiguous loss. Type 1 is when a person is physically absent but psychologically present, meaning that the birth parent continues to influence the child’s thoughts, emotions, behaviors, identity and family unity. Type 2 is when there is a psychological absence with a physical presence. This can be due to a mental or physical illness or a substance abuse problem. This sometimes leads to Type 1 when the child is removed from the parent due to neglect.

Ambiguous loss has some warning signs that can look different from the normal response to grief throughout life stages:

When an infant or toddler is grieving, it is normal to show some separation anxiety. However, if your foster or adopted child in this age range shows behavioral regression, confusion, or night terrors, it could be attributed to ambiguous loss.
School age children typically have difficulty identifying and expressing their emotions related to grief so they experience physical complaints such as stomachaches or headaches and show increased irritability. Warning signs include acting-out behaviors, a loss of interest in school, teachers seeing poor concentration, regression, night terrors or an obsession with retelling.
Normal reactions to loss in adolescents is very similar to adults. They frequently experience feelings of guilt and often look to peers for support. If you see a change in their energy level, poor concentration, loss of interest in school or if they seem emotionally numb or start to withdraw, these are warning signs of grieving ambiguous losses. Signs of depression and anxiety, an inability to cope, difficulty with change and transitions, difficulty making decisions, decreased ability to cope with routine childhood or teenage losses, and PTSD symptoms are common responses. The child may display learned helplessness or hopelessness or have feelings of guilt.

Ambiguous loss is overwhelming and confusing because the outcomes are not clear and cannot be determined. The foster child or adoptee has trouble pressing forward because the loss lacks resolution – it’s unknown if it is temporary or final. They want transparency about their past but at the same time refrain from receiving new information. Ambiguity can wear away a child’s sense of mastery causing them to feel hopeless and creating feelings that the world is biased, dangerous, unpredictable and unruly. The stress of ambiguity, or vagueness, can be eased by helping the child acquire information.

The effect of unresolved loss on children can be great. The bigger the ambiguity surrounding the child’s life, the more challenge they will have in mastering it. In other words, increased uncertainties make it difficult to deal with the loss and has potential to cause increased depression, anxiety and internal conflict. They can feel a lack of control over their situation or feel that people outside their family have more power than their parents. Anxiety and fear can have a great influence if they were “taken away” or removed from their home, family, or country of origin. The child sometimes feels that they are the reason for the separation from their parents and have lost their ability to trust adults. We can help influence a child’s reactions by validating their grief, inviting them to express their feelings, sharing similar experiences of other children and accepting the child’s spectrum of feelings.

Here are some ways to help your child deal with ambiguous loss:

Give voice! Explain the feelings of ambiguous loss and acknowledge the difficulty of living with not having the answers.
Help the child understand as much as possible – Knowing what happened to the birth parent who left and why, or knowing what situations caused the loss and why it happened are key in helping the child understand. This will allow the child to grieve which involves experiencing the painful feelings associated with the loss.
Help the child identify what has been lost – parent, extended family, loss of home or town where they were born, family that looks like them, last name, birth country, language, etc.
Find a way to commemorate the loss – Honor, recognize and acknowledge the memory of the people, places and things that are no longer part of the child’s daily life. This leads to moving forward and permits the child to learn that the pain of grief lessens and the legacy of their past lies within themselves.
Create a “loss box” – find a box that can be decorated, if desired, and allow you child to place things inside the box that represent things that they have lost. This can serve as a ritual and a way to revisit the losses in the future.
Events through the lifetime (holidays, birthdays, adoption anniversary, etc) can trigger feelings of loss. Acknowledge the child’s feelings and add a family ritual to recognize important people or relationships that have been lost. Example: Adding an extra candle on the birthday cake to represent the child’s birth family; or say “I bet your mom and dad are thinking about you today”.
Do not allow new relationships to be a replacement for past relationships. Acknowledge your child’s birth parents and their previous foster families. Look for ways to recognize members of their birth family. Share their story and talk about it from the time they arrive home and continue this over time. We can free our children from the past by giving opportunities to process and grieve their past losses.
Give your child permission to grieve without guilt!
Model ways for them to communicate their thoughts and the questions they may have.
Support your child’s emotions as he copes with his grief – It is impossible for us to fix the loss but we can validate and affirm their feelings.
Don’t expect that grief associated with ambiguous loss can be resolved within a specific time frame. Understand and explain that these feelings will come and go at different times in life. Always provide a safe place for your child to express those feelings.
Get in touch with your own grief!
Seek support from a therapist who is an adoption-competent professional.

While I have heard the term “ambiguous loss” for several years working in adoption, I’ve become passionate about the topic after sharing the term and the theory with my son. I honestly feel like it was a turning point in his life and our relationship. He understands that I know he has questions to which we have no answers and that I am familiar with some of what he has lost. He knows that not having answers makes figuring out who he is, as well as the grief process, more difficult. I’m pretty sure he identifies me as his safe place when he needs to express his feelings. I’ve told him if he wants to search for his birth family to try to get more answers, I’ll be his biggest supporter. I have more work to do to help him through his grief and loss and I understand there will be triggers as he grows and matures. Having an understanding of ambiguous loss and the ability to explain it to him was a big step in the right direction. I encourage you to start talking to your kids as soon as they are placed in your home and keep talking, especially as they reach adolescence, when it becomes increasingly more difficult.

By: Dana Poynter

Misunderstanding Development

A child’s development is a long process, with many ups and downs that can feel impossible to predict, and adoption will most certainly affect that process. How much of your child’s behavior is typical, and how much of it is a result of your unique family circumstances? Here we will explore what average development looks like. We encourage you to learn more in each stage of your child’s development to help you normalize what are typical behavior and feelings and what may be complicated by their adoption story. Here is one site to reference for child development: https://www.childrensneuropsych.com/parents-guide/milestones/

Infancy

In this period of life, the adoptive parents have the opportunity to build a foundational emotional attachment with their child. Learning your baby’s unique temperament and reactions to things that upset them can help you shape your parenting style to meet their needs. At age one, they will seek more independence as they learn to move about. This means you will see the beginnings of disobedience. Shape behavior by rewarding good actions rather than punishing bad ones.

Toddlerhood

As language develops in ages two and three, children will begin to appreciate narratives, including that of their own life. Though they can learn and repeat the story of their adoption, they will not understand what it means to have a birth mother and an adoptive family. Using make-believe play may allow them to work through emotions they do not yet understand, as well as the concept of past and present. Greater pushes for independence combined with little knowledge of emotions can lead to tantrums when children are denied something. Though they may be stressful and embarrassing, tantrums are completely normal. Sensing their needs before they arise and having meaningful conversations about emotions can reduce their occurrence.

Preschool

Beginning in preschool, children spend more and more time away from home, and their worlds will rapidly expand. They will begin to compare themselves to their agemates on the basis of sex, race, family, and interests. Where the answers are too complex, it is normal for them to assume magical explanations, like baby-carrying storks. Be open and honest if your child comes to you with questions about these comparisons, similarities, and differences; being honest sooner will prevent confusion later.

School Age

As children’s logic centers develop, they will spend more and more time puzzling through their place in the world. They may still struggle with the concept of adoption and what it means for your family and their future. They may even fear abandonment or wonder what they did wrong to be “given up” in the first place. This may result in angry or defensive behavior as a way of distancing themselves from potential hurt. You can help to positively shape their identity by reaffirming your love for them, as well as the love of their birth mother or family.

Adolescence

This period is characterized by two forms of development: identity and independence. Now, more than ever, your child will be trying to find themselves outside of your family. They will want to reconcile their birth and adoptive families, a process that can be made much harder if they have little information about or connection to their birth parents. Self-image is also a vital factor of this time, and turbulent changes of adolescence can quickly lead to declines in mental health. Encourage them to explore and connect with their past, making sure they know they can ask questions without judgement from you.

It is always going to be hard to see your child struggle with their identity and relationship to you. They may need your help to work through their complex feelings at first, and later it may be enough just to tell them you are there for them as they grow on their own. Building a support system with other adoptive families, such as through your agency, can give both you and your child a head start on dealing with these feelings.

written by Ashley Conner

Love Language Within the World of Trauma

Love languages and the knowledge of different ways to communicate love have gradually increased in popularity over the past few years. It can be especially important for children who have experienced trauma to be able to receive love in a way that they understand and can receive without fear. This can be particularly complicated when the child you are caring for may potentially have a love language that was abused through traumatic memories. Children who have experienced abuse or neglect may react differently to love languages that are spoken by their foster or parents through adoption. Here are some things to keep in mind for each love language with some alternatives that may feel more secure for a child who has experienced abuse in an area where they have a predominate love language.

As an overall reminder, young children between 0-6 rarely have a set love language and need each language to fill their bucket until a clear preference starts to show as their personality develops. This is the recommended starting point for all children and youth of all ages when they first come into your home, even the 17 year olds. Children who experienced trauma at a young age may have never had a consistent or attentive caregiver. It will be important to communicate each language consistently while you are bonding, and well after they begin to trust you and push boundaries. It may feel as if you are starting with an infant and working your way up, but this is a good sign. With safety and connection in place, often their language will develop into one or two predominate preferences. This can take years, or happen quickly depending on the child and their past experiences. If your child is rejecting certain languages, do not assume that they do not receive love that way. It is possibly a sign that they were extremely hurt before in that area, and they need extra care, attention, and patience before they will feel comfortable letting anyone touch, affirm, help, give gifts to them or spending one on one time with them again.

Physical Touch. This language has a lot of capacity for abuse, especially for children who were either neglected and left alone for significant amounts of time, or those who were physically hurt by their parents. Often kids experience both, which can make a child crave physical touch while at the same time being frightened of it and left struggling to relax when they are receiving physical contact. The goal then becomes safe touch and a lot of patience. We recommend looking through handheld therapeutic acupressure tools and helping your child pick one or two they may like to try. If deep pressure does not appeal to them they may prefer something like a paint brush or using a soft brush to make predictable circles on their arm as they relax. You may even introduce cuddling during a movie where there can be a pillow as a barrier. This provides enough felt safety while still meeting their needs. You may also want to consider a pet like a cat, dog or rabbit for some children who can cuddle something that has not caused physical harm to them in the past and keep your own touches to their shoulder or arm and only for specific purposes like when you are teaching them to cook or a sport. Be especially cautious with situations where family members may be requesting good bye hugs, as forced contact may be uncomfortable and feel unsafe for children and youth. Eventually, your child will feel more comfortable letting their guard down around specific caregivers and may request a lot of physical contact or even seem extremely needy in this area. This is a great sign! Be patient, they are catching up for lost time. Many parents intentionally will rock much older children as a reminder of the contact they should have received in infancy, but missed out on.

Words of Affirmation: Children who prefer verbal affirmation to receive love may have come from emotionally and verbally abusive homes where they were told they were stupid, selfish, or screamed obscenities at. This is particularly destructive to their self-esteem, as they can easily develop the belief that they are a bad child, unlovable, or a waste of space. Grand statements of “you are amazing” will feel fake to children who have a damaged self-esteem. Instead we recommend starting with a softer approach. When you are around your child, try pointing out exactly what they are doing, just notice it. For instance, if you are with a child who is playing with Legos, let them lead and avoid asking questions but make comments about what they are doing and mix those comments with gentle compliments. “I see you are building a ship there” “you are making your ship blue” “you are great at building Legos” “I love how gently you play with your toys”. Pick a time of the day where you can focus on using these types of statements and compliments, even 5 minutes a day. This will help with bonding while also showing them that they are seen and heard. Eventually they will become more receptive to hearing compliments to you outside of that concentrated time of play. You may be surprised at how many affirmations that it can take to start making a dent in the damage that was done before they came to your home, but it is well worth the effort. This is also important with youth and older teens, but they may be more aware that you are choosing specific times to concentrate on this, so it will need to be broken up throughout the day.

Quality Time: Is your child stuck to you like a little barnacle and afraid to be alone? They may have missed out on a lot of quality time as they moved home to home in foster homes with a ton of kids, group homes, or orphanages. Often these group settings have few caregiver and a lot of kids who need care, so a healthy need for quality time and attention becomes a fear that they will not have their needs met if they are ever left alone. Usually parents underestimate the amount of concentrated quality time that a child needs to fill their bucket, 15 minutes a day per parent. For these kids, schedule that time in and make it a priority that you will sit down with them to play for 15 minutes, even if you need to use a timer. Put your phone and other distractions away and let them lead the play, comment on what they are doing, affirm them, go along with their goofy antics. That consistent 15 minutes a day will have a bigger impact on them than you may realize. With it, they will be more open to you scheduling in your own self-care where you can step away for a mommy or daddy break and your own 15 minutes of rest. With patience and time their fears of not having their needs met will shift to trust.

Acts of Service: Neglect is one of the biggest factors for children who have experienced abuse in this particular love language. If your child is parentified, it is a good sign that this language is of particular importance to them. They may have had a parent who completely ignored their needs, and so they turned to meeting others needs and caring for them in the hopes that it would earn them love and safety so that their own needs could finally be met. They are likely to be particularly combative about anyone doing things for them, because their trust has been so damaged in this area. One of your first steps is to acknowledge all of the hard work that your child has done to care for those around them, because it is likely that their siblings and past caregivers took it for granted. Take time to do those extra touches that parents do for younger children, especially for older kids who can reasonably do these things on their own. Make homemade lunches for them, help clean their room when they aren’t looking, and sit next to them while they are working on their homework to offer assistance. They may not show that they appreciate this, but it speaks louder than you may believe. These are often the kids that don’t show their trauma, or get forgotten because they are so busy taking care of everyone else, and aren’t showing their need in an obvious way. In reality they need their love language spoken just as much, if not more than the kids that they were always taking care of.

Gifts: This language is consistently misunderstood in adults and children, so taking time to understand what that language is about is particularly important. Gifts as a love language is more about having something tangible to know that someone was thinking of you when you were not physically around, and that they care enough to listen and know what you like. This is not about the cost, it’s about the “I was thinking about you”. There is particular room for abuse of this love language as abusive caregivers may have used gifts as an apology for abuse, or even in grooming. In those situations, gifts that were supposed to be about “I care about you” were really about “I want something from you, and I know you like this”. This can be devastating to the psyche of a child who may come to believe that the only way they can receive love is to please their caregiver regardless of if that causes them physical and emotional harm. This also can create a lot of manipulative tendencies in children who are simply trying to get their needs met and feel loved.

Parents of children from hard places should focus on small gifts given consistently over time, and do not stop providing love this way when your child has messed up. This doesn’t have to cost anything, try picking a flower for them, painting a small rock, drawing a picture for them, or even taking them to the dollar store to pick their own gift out. You will want to avoid rewarding manipulation, and instead give these gifts when they are least expecting it and are entirely removed from difficult or good behaviors. The main goal is consistently speaking this language in small ways with no strings attached.

Children who have dealt with trauma often feel as if it is their fault. This causes a loss of self-esteem and eventually, the child may believe that they cannot be loved. Love languages are a way to show you care, you are there for them, and that they are loved. In the beginning, the child who does not believe they can be loved, will be hesitant with you and become potentially suspicious as to what you are doing. Don’t take it personally, be consistent, be patient, encourage self-esteem, and be emotionally and physically available for them. We recommend working with a reputable therapist if possible as you work through each love language, especially if you child finds a specific love language to be triggering.

Our favorite kids tool for speaking all of these love languages? Melissa & Doug Scratch Art Notes can be used for safe physical touch (helping kids learn to sketch things out, soft touches on the shoulder or sitting close by a child while you sketch together), Words of Affirmation (encouraging notes left all around the house or in lunch boxes) Quality time (drawing together), acts of service (little notes left behind after you helped do a chore they don’t always enjoy), and gifts (little drawings or gifting a card and scratcher for them to play with at school in their free time).

written by Natalie Burton & Deb Uber

Foster Parents Who “Get Too Attached”

As a private foster care and adoption agency, the staff at Nightlight Christian Adoptions have heard many express the fear of “getting too attached” to foster children placed in their home. This fear is real, scary, and full of tension: the worry that the family will grow to dearly love, bond, and attach to a child who is very likely (and hopefully) returning home to his or her biological family. This fear is one for foster families to sensitively navigate as they process what this means for their family as they live in tension with these children and/or teenagers in their home, but also one to embrace for the sake of children in care so that maybe they may grieve a little less.

Children in foster care have experienced unthinkable trauma, simply by being placed into foster care. Children come into care at no fault of their own, and many may not have experienced the kind of love, stability, and security that a family is supposed to provide but may not be able to just yet for a multitude of reasons. The inherent loss in foster care is so deep and raw for these children, as they are removed from their home, their biological family, and much of the time, their community, teachers, friends, and pets. Sometimes, they are even separated from their siblings. Foster parents have a unique opportunity to fill the gap for these children and families. And it is always the perfect opportunity to “get too attached” to these children.

These children likely have many unmet needs (educational, physical, emotional, psychological, etc.). Predominately, these children need caregivers who can provide attachment and consistent, loving care, no matter how short a period these children remain with their foster parents as their biological families work hard to bring their kids home to them. The reality is that children in foster care may not have had the opportunity to experience the kind of care they need. Foster parents can show children, the most vulnerable of our population, what it means to be a family, to have attachment, and to receive unconditional love, with the hope that their biological family will be able to do it very soon.

All children need attachment, especially those who have experienced trauma. Their relationships with their caregivers are the blueprint for all future relationships in their life. It teaches them how to interact with the world and others around them. And for a foster parent to step in, fill the gap, and pour into these children the way they truly can – the results are lifelong and eternal. Foster children are one of the most vulnerable populations in our society, and we all have a duty to step in for our most defenseless and stand in the gap, no matter how long.

Foster care is messy, but oh so necessary because sometimes families are broken and need help to get back on their feet. Foster care is also costly, as families pour into littles who may not stay. And these children deserve for others to fill these needs for them when their parents cannot for a period of time. Imagine the impact for generations to come, to love on children and families and be an instrument of impacting families in true, lifelong ways. When these children leave, they carry with them the time spent in a safe, secure home where their little souls were dearly loved and a picture of what family can truly mean. In the end, for these children and teenagers, we have a duty to risk our hearts to break so that their hearts can break a little less.

In no way does this diminish or negate the very real feelings of loss that foster parents will feel when children leave. But if we don’t do it for these children, who will? Ultimately, the grief that is so real, so raw, is always, always worth it for the children who already have lost so much.

Identifying Signs of Post-Adoption Depression

Much like the “fourth trimester” of pregnancy (also known as Post-Partum Depression), Post- Adoption Depression can sneak up on families during what seems like the happiest time in a couple’s life. Post- Adoption Depression can happen after a family welcomes an adopted child into their home, especially when reality does not meet expectation. Attachment and bonding do not always happen instantly, with biological children or children that have been adopted. New parents can be laden with negative feelings, like some of those listed below, and can often feel very alone during this time. It is estimated that approximately 65% of adoptive mothers experience symptoms related to Post- Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS). Listed below are some signs that you or a loved one might be battling PADS and some suggestions for what you can do!

Signs of PADS:

Losing interest or enjoyment in activities you once loved
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Fatigue or loss of energy
Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
Significant weight changes
Excessive guilt
Feeling powerless, worthless, or hopeless
Irritability, frustration, or anger
Feeling inadequate or undeserving
Retreating from friends, family or others sources of support
Suicidal thoughts or ideation

Fighting PADS:

Take time for you!
- You cannot take care of someone else if you are not taking care of you. Take care of yourself however you see fit- enjoy a healthy meal, spend time with friends, get fresh air, or participate in any other self-care that leaves you feeling a little more like yourself.
Remember you are not alone
- Find other adoptive couples who have experienced what you are going through. Many of our families complete an activity with an “alumni family” as part of their educational instruction, so you already know at least one person who can help!
Give yourself time to bond with your child
- Attachment and bonding are not always instant in adoption. Be patient with yourself and with your child and allow that process to happen at its own pace.
Ask for help
- Never be afraid to speak up and ask for help for you and your family. Call your social worker, your best friend, your preacher, your Nightlight contact, or a licensed professional to help you today. You don’t have to be in a crisis or at a breaking point to ask for help.

Most importantly, if you or someone you know is dealing with Post-Adoption Depression, I’d like to leave you with this:

“If you are suffering with bonding issues or Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome, there is something you need to hear: There is nothing wrong with you. Bonding issues or PADS have no bearing on your worth as a parent. You are capable of this. There is nothing to be ashamed about. There is hope. You are not alone. This is not the time to duck and run. This is the time to dig deep, make a plan, assess and re-assess, pour your time into this, and fight for your child. You’ve got this, and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Keep pushing forward, knowing you’re not alone.” – Melissa Giarrosso

No matter what problems you’re dealing with, whether or not you’re thinking about suicide, if you need someone to lean on for emotional support, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Other Resources:

https://www.adoptionstogether.org/blog/2013/01/07/why-arent-i-happy-recognizing-post-adoption-depression-syndrome/

https://adoption.com/overcoming-post-adoption-depression-syndrome

Trends in Special Needs Adoptions

Why are there less “healthy” children or mild identified special needs available for international adoption?

Many families come into adoption wishing to adopt a young, healthy child and it is sometimes disappointing when they realize that this is not usually possible. Families sometimes look to international adoption because they want to adopt help a child in need. I have often had families ask me where there is the most need and my answer is always the same; we need families who want to adopt waiting children, which means children with special needs and older children. Why be a waiting family when you can adopt a waiting child?

The first thing I want to explain is how a child becomes available for international adoption.

Child is abandoned, removed from home due to abuse/neglect, or sent to orphanage after death of biological parents.
The first thing that happens: orphanage and authorities look for biological family to care for the child.
If biological family is not found, then the authorities look for a domestic family to adopt the child.
If a domestic family is not found, then the child is available for intercountry adoption.

This means that the children who are available in ANY country for international adoption are children who are older. Most biological and domestic families are willing to adopt younger children who have no special needs. This also means that even if a younger child is available that the child will have some type of special need that is not acceptable to biological or domestic families or requires more medical care than is available in the country. Domestic adoption has become more frequent in other countries which is why international adoption has changed over the years.

Even if a child is physically healthy, many of these children have emotional needs that may require them to see a therapist. The children have undergone a lot of trauma in being separated from biological family, being raised in an orphanage, and then leaving the only life they have ever known. Some children struggle to attach or bond to their adoptive families initially. It takes a lot of time and work on behalf of the family for the child to feel secure in their adoptive family.

Please visit AdoptionBridge.org to see the children currently available through many of our programs. Below are some children currently waiting in our programs:

We also would encourage you to research some special needs further. A good resource for this is http://www.adoptspecialneeds.org/. Many families also seek the opinion from a doctor when looking over the list of special needs. You can either contact your pediatrician or seek out a clinic that specializes in international adoption (contact us if you need help locating one).

Keep in mind that there are many countries where it is possible to adopt older children or younger children with special needs who are not able to advocate for the children on Adoption Bridge. There are many waiting children in these countries as well. Some of these would include India, Burkina Faso, and more.

How to Prepare Biological Children for an Adoption

Bringing an adopted child into your family changes the dynamics of your home drastically… whether you become new parents or are a “veteran” parent who is already raising other children. During the home study and the waiting process there is often a lot of emphasis on education and preparation for the prospective adoptive parent/s gearing up for the adoption journey and for parenting an adopted child. However, there tends to be much less emphasis and education that is focused on preparing the children who are already in the home and whose lives will also change greatly through their parents’ adoption.

Educate– Talk with your children about adoption and ask them what they think about it. This can be an excellent way to both teach them about what adoption is and process through any misconceptions they may have about it. There wonderful children’s books available that you can read together that can be a springboard for great discussion about adoption. Here is a list of books that could be great resources to use with your children.
Encourage them to be a participant in the process– Some families hold off on telling their children much about their adoption process for fear that things could fall through or change. This is understandable of course, because there are so many unknowns throughout an adoption journey. There are ways to invite your children into the process without holding on to tightly to a specific outcome. An example would be to pray together for their new brother or sister and asking God to protect them, and to bring them home in His time. Invite them to help pick out a special toy or stuffed animal or draw a picture for their new brother or sister that can go in their room.
Don’t only highlight the good parts of adoption– It is easier to talk with our children about the exciting, joyful parts of bringing a new child into the family such as them having a new playmate, and the many things they’ll get to help teach their new brother or sister. However, it can be damaging to stop there. The other part of preparing your children for an adoption is to talk with them honestly and explain that some parts of adoption are hard. If you are adopting domestically and will likely bring home an infant, it’s important to talk about (in age appropriate ways), that the baby will have grown in another mother’s belly and why she may be making the loving choice for her baby to be placed with a different family. You will need to prepare them that when the time comes you will need to travel to meet a baby and to potentially bring that baby home. It is important to talk with them about who they would stay with, and what they could expect during the days you are gone.

If you are planning to bring an older child into the family who has likely experienced complex trauma, then it is important that you explain that they will have challenges to work through in relation to their history (again, in an age appropriate way). A child who has experienced trauma, such as abuse or neglect, or who has lived in multiple placements could have various delays and could bring different expressions of emotions and behaviors into the home that could be unfamiliar and scary to your child/ren. Other challenges could be that discipline may not look the same for your adopted child, and that they may need a lot of your attention after placement because adjusting to a new home can be so hard. It is important for your child to know that these things are a possibility, and that it would be natural for them to feel sad, frustrated, or even left out at times. Reassure them that their feelings will always be important to you, and encourage them to tell you how they’re feeling during every part of the adoption journey. It is not uncommon for children to keep their questions and concerns to themselves after an adopted child comes home, for fear that their parent is too stressed or overwhelmed to talk. Continuing to reassure them that their voice and feelings are important to you is vital, both before and after placement.

Talk about families that don’t match– If you could be bringing a child into the family that is of another race or culture, then discuss how that diversity will add richness to your home. If you are adopting from another country, talk with your children about the foods, holidays, or customs that their new brother or sister will be accustomed to. Begin celebrating those differences before the placement occurs if possible.
Keep having fun! Adoption journeys can involve stress and challenges so it is important to continue to prioritize normalcy and fun while you are awaiting bringing a new child home. It is easy to get caught up in the waiting process and to be future-focused as you dream of bringing an adopted child home, but don’t be so focused on the days to come that you miss filling your present days with meaning and memories.

An adoption will be life changing for every member of the family without question. There is much to celebrate, and so much to look forward to, while also preparing your heart and the little hearts in your home that there are good and hard parts of every adoption. By approaching your adoption journey with your child/ren with honesty and good communication, you are setting a tone that is invaluable and will serve each member of the family so well.