Behavior Management for the Aggressive Child Part 1

So what do you need to know in order to manage aggressive behavior? First you need to adopt a philosophy of behavior management, then provide consistency and create a predictable and therapeutic environment.

It is important for the child and the family to be fully involved in planning their “system”. All aspects of the child’s “system” must be able to be understood by the child himself. Realize that all behavior is an attempt to meet a need and therefore has meaning. Relationships between the child and parent should provide opportunities for him/her to learn and practice appropriate ways to express feelings, manage daily tasks, and get needs met. Remember, children are best served by parents and families who practice teamwork.

Blending

What is Blending? Blending is a concept, which uses the strengths of the family, child, and the community.
  • Physical Blending = force with force/passive resistance
  • Verbal Blending = using non threatening and supportive language
  • Non Verbal Blending = using non threatening and reassuring techniques

Let’s have a look and get a better picture of Verbal and Non-verbal blending and become familiar with the roadblocks to these types of blending.

Here are some examples of Verbal Blending below:
  • Call the Child’s name and pull them to the side rather than redirecting them in front of their peers
  • Get information by asking questions
  • Use appropriate voice, tone, and volume
  • Use non-judgmental statements or questions
  • Use “We” statements rather than “You” or “I”
What are some common Roadblocks to Verbal Blending?
  • Ordering
  • Threatening
  • Excusing
  • Lecturing
  • Preaching
  • Prying
  • Diagnosing
  • Judging
  • Yelling
  • Arguing
  • Blaming
  • Condescending
Here are some examples of Non-Verbal Blending
  • Maintain a neutral and respectful facial expression
  • Be aware of your child’s spatial preferences
  • Walk away to avoid power struggles
  • Keep your arms out front or at your sides with your hands open
  • Look at your child, but don’t stare
  • Take slow, deep, easy breaths

What are some common Roadblocks to Non-Verbal Blending?
  • Eye rolling/Neck rolling
  • Disrespectful or disinterested facial expressions
  • Pointing, crossing your arms over your chest
  • Talking to your child while engaged in another tasks rather than giving them the attention they need

Realistic Expectations

Let’s talk about realistic expectations. What are our expectations of our children and are they realistic? There can be a danger in having too high of expectations as well as having to low of expectations. See some of the effects of both below.

Danger! What happens when my expectations are too high?
  • My child feels like failure
  • I feel frustrated
  • My child’s self-esteem is eroded

Danger! What happens when my expectations are too low?
  • My child may begin to doubt all abilities
  • I may see my child as lazy or irresponsible
  • My child may cease to grow in one or more areas

Now, with all that said, let’s stick to keeping expectations realistic! How do you do this?—by understanding adolescent development and how it affects behavior, modeling through my behavior to match expectations, and adjusting my expectations to match my child as a whole.

Avoiding the Misuse of My Power

As parents, the misuse of your power can render a child powerless, feed adolescent impulse control (aggression), and aggressiveness in the child—power struggles emerge, child becomes passive or over compliant, and depending on the aggressions, resulting in them being institutionalized.

Keys to Avoiding the Misuse of Your Power
  1. Be aware of your own stress level.
  2. “I will not say “no” when “yes” is just as easy.”
  3. Analyze your own use of power.
  4. “I will not use my power as a last resort to win a struggle with my child.”
  5. Some questions to ask when faced with a struggling child.
  6. What are you doing?
  7. What are you supposed to be doing?
  8. What’s going to happen if you keep doing what you are doing?
  9. Do you want that to happen?
  10. What are you going to do now?

Helping families with the transitions of International Adoption

About one-third of families who adopt internationally have smooth transitions; another third or so have some difficulties, but manage to work through these issues; and another third have serious and more pervasive problems. In these more difficult circumstances, even the best parents are often not prepared. Those families who are struggling need support, like every family—sometimes from friends and families and sometimes from experts.

To get some good advice from professionals and to hear the challenges other parents face, you may want to join Beyond Consequences live 10-session parenting course right in your own home. The first class is complimentary—so take a test drive.

This Free Test Drive will be on Thursday, August 25, 2011 at 9:15 p.m. EST.

Each of the 10 sessions following be on Thursday evenings and run for 90 minutes through November 3, 2011.

You and other parents can ask questions and discuss the specifics of your family situation with the professionals.

Click here to sign-up at no charge for this first class and see how it works on the Internet. Continue reading

Parents’ Attachment Style and the Adopted Child

As most adoptive parents are aware, a secure attachment is key to a child’s healthy development. Attachment is defined as a child’s bond to a caregiver based on the caregiver’s sensitivity and attunement to the child. The healthiest and strongest attachments are formed within the context of family: for children, the parent-child (especially mother-child) relationship, and for adults, the husband-wife relationship. Without proper attachments being formed in the early stages of life through proper parental attunement, a child in almost all cases will experience negative emotional repercussions, including a lack of self-regulation and deep insecurity.[1] For these children, the issues are not just the difficult behavior now, but the problems they will take into adulthood. Adults with insecure attachments often have marital and other relationship problems and difficulty attaching to their own children. These offspring are then affected, and a negative cycle is perpetuated. In fact, 72% of 21-year-olds retain the same attachment style they developed as newborns.[2]

Because of the profound impact that the parents’ attachment style has on a child’s emotional well-being, we as adoptive parents need to understand our own attachment style if we are to help our children, especially those with difficult histories. First, if married, we need to look at how we understand and interact with our spouse.[3] A strong marriage can help enhance our personal ability to attach, enhancing our attachment to our children. Studies show that an increase in marital discord, as well as insecurity, can lead to less competent parenting.  In addition, more marital detachment produces higher levels of detachment in the parent-child relationship.[4] A healthy marriage appears to be the strongest predictor of proper attachment between parents and their children.[5]

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