“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Psalms 27:14 NIV
“That sounded like a long time.” We started our adoption journey in June of 2018. On our first call with Nightlight, they told us that it would likely be somewhere around 6-18 months from the time that we were home study approved until we had a child placed with us. That sounded like a long time, but we told ourselves that we were open to a lot of situations and that surely it would be sooner rather than later. By the end of October 2018, we were home study approved and officially waiting. At first, it was exciting! We threw ourselves into preparing, setting up the crib, buying diapers to start a stockpile. Our hearts would race every time the phone rang. We were eager to update friends and family when they asked how things were going. We read books, listened to podcasts, and did all the “right” things to prepare for this. After all, we could get “the call” any day and we had almost reached six months of waiting. Six months came and went, and then we had to start renewing our home study. “This will be the last time!” we told ourselves. Any day now!
“But our confidence was slowly eroding.” We each started having moments of doubt. However, God was faithful and one of us was always steadfast when the other was doubting. We knew God led us to this path, but why was it taking so long? Pridefully, we wondered terrible things like why an expectant mom picked another family and not us. We started to cringe when people asked if there was an update on the adoption. What was wrong with us? We would check in every month and ask for feedback on our profile. We got a lot of good feedback, but someone else was always chosen instead. It was so hard not having anything to “fix.” And I wanted to cry after each expectant mother said that they wanted a family without children. It broke my heart that they didn’t see what an amazing big sister our daughter would be.
“We dug deep into our faith…” During the adoption process we watched family members announce their pregnancy, deliver, and celebrate the baby’s first birthday. It was a constant struggle against pride, jealousy, and negativity. As we ran low on excitement, patience, and hope, we dug deep into our faith to keep us going. We had to rely on God’s strength rather than our own. We did Bible studies, fasted, and prayed more than we’ve ever prayed. Slowly, and with a lot of work, our hearts began to change. We prayed every day that God’s will would be done in HIS timing. We prayed for the expectant mother and all of the things she must be going through. We began to pray that when our profile was presented, the baby would end up in the family God had planned for him/her, rather than just that it would be our family that was chosen. When our daughter asked, we were able to remind her that God knew the perfect baby to join our family and when that baby was ready, he or she would be there. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes struggled to believe those words. But, I continued to repeat what I knew must be true about God’s faithfulness. When the second Christmas came without a match, I was devastated. It had now been 14 months of waiting and we didn’t even have a match yet. The chances of us having a placement by 18 months were dwindling. But, we kept bringing ourselves back to the knowledge that we were certain God had brought us to adoption and we had to trust not only His plan, but also His timing.
“And then, it happened!” In February of 2020, after 470 days of officially waiting and over 19 months since we began the adoption process, we received the call. We had been chosen to parent our daughter who had been born three days earlier and was ready to be picked up just a few hours away. Within a few short hours of that call, we were holding our beautiful baby girl. I know you have heard it before, but it is true that you understand why you had to wait so long as soon as you see your child. It was her that God was preparing us for all along. And along the way, He was refining us as well. He was teaching us to be more patient and selfless. He was guiding us to think more of others than ourselves. He was showing us His sovereignty above all things and increasing our faith. The wait is not fun. Some days it is crushing. While I cannot say that we enjoyed the wait, I can say that we can now look back and appreciate the work that was done in us along the way. We became better people and more supportive spouses. We were able to teach our daughter what it looks like to trust in God’s goodness even when it is hard. No, the wait was not easy, but it was oh, so worth it!
written by a Domestic Adoptive Family
Adoption can be a very emotional and financially challenging process where adoptive parents can experience high levels of stress and anxiety. Whether a family is adopting domestically, internationally or through our Snowflakes program, prospective adoptive parents need the support of their family and friends rallying around them, as they go through the emotional roller coaster of adoption.
If you have not adopted yourself, it will be difficult for you to understand the emotions a family is going through during and after their adoption process. Below are some suggestions to help support your loved one or friend, which will help ease their difficult journey.
Listen! Adoptive parents need their support network more than ever. One very simple way to support prospective adoptive families is to lend an ear and shoulder to cry on. Adoptive parents may need just to vent and express their anxieties and frustrations and know someone is listening. They don’t need your opinions, questions and critique, just listen and talk less!
Offer to help with simple things such as babysitting, respite care, cooking a meal or cleaning their house. While this may sound mundane, it allows adoptive parents time to rest, relax and recoup and lessens the stress of daily chores. Time away from the children allows families to rejuvenate and think more clearly, particularly if these services are offered after the child enters the home.
Don’t criticize and ask questions. Most adoptive parents have done their research before deciding to adopt a child and understand the risks and delays that come with adoption. Because you may have not gone down this road you will not understand the process or emotions associated with the experience. Be supportive by not criticizing or asking questions, such as “How much longer until the child comes home?” If the adoptive parent wants to share this information they will, asking questions that sound critical and judgmental will only exacerbate their doubts and negative emotions.
Offer to help with fundraising. Adoption can be very expensive. Assisting with holding fundraising events not only helps the family financially, but also emotionally, showing you care about the process and the family and want them to succeed.
Accept their decision to adopt and lovingly accept the adopted child. It is so very important that adoptive parents know they are being supported, showing you support their decision and later the child, means more than you can imagine!
Don’t question why they chose to adopt. Families choose adoption for many reasons, some due to infertility, some because they feel a calling to adopt. Whatever the reason, it is a very personal choice and many times it is due to an emotional topic and maybe one the adoptive parent still struggles with. It is better to accept and embrace their decision, rather than to question why.
Throw an adoption shower! Many have likened the adoption process to a “paper pregnancy” with the end result being a new child, a new family member, is entering their home. An adoption shower helps celebrate the new life and family member and will help the family prepare for the arrival of the child.
Ask the adoptive parent, what can I do to support you? This simple question will mean so much and allows the adoptive parent to direct your efforts to what they may need the most.
Showing your support and love to a friend or family member during an adoption process shows you care and support them and may mean the world to a family needing support more than ever, both during their adoption journey and after the adopted child enters their family. Sometimes doing the simple things for an adoptive family shows your loving commitment and support to the family and their decision to adopt.
written by Sonja Brown
When a birth mother makes an adoption plan, she is often sacrificing her own desires and feelings for the good of her child, whom she loves deeply. This deep love translates into inviting another family into her child’s story and entrusting that child into their care and protection. It can be difficult for some adoptive parents to know how to fully honor this sacrificial love. In an effort to gather some creative ideas, I thought it would be most appropriate to reach out to adoptive families that are navigating this already.
Here are some of the responses I received when I posed the question, “What are some ways you’ve honored your child’s birth mother?”
- We had flowers delivered to her on Mother’s Day.
- We include her in our morning prayers each day.
- We send her a card and pictures on her birthday as a little reminder that we are here for her and thinking about her on her day as well.
- There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.
- The love we have for her to make that decision is hard to even put into words and we hope she knows that no matter what life brings, our daughter will always know the love her birth mother had for her to give her the best life possible.
- We have photos of our daughter’s first mom and first siblings in her room. We talk about them every day.
- We honor her when people ask questions. “Our daughter has two mommies who both love her.” We try to use adoptee and first mom positive language. No-“giving up”, No- “she is so lucky”, rather, “she is so loved” instead.
- For our daughter’s first birthday, her first mom and I made a Shutterfly book together to honor her story. We read it whenever our daughter wants and read it along with the book her first mom made at the time of placement.
- We send Mother’s Day and Christmas packages including artwork our daughter makes.
- We FaceTime about once a quarter. We FaceTime for birthdays and Christmas morning.
- Our daughter had some skin issues and we were in close contact with birth mom to give insight on siblings’ histories with similar issues. It made her apart of helping find solutions to help her daughter.
- Our daughter made a handprint craft and we sent it and a care package to her for Mother’s Day.
- Birth Mom and siblings were included in our daughter’s first birthday and we honored her there. We gave her loads of photos and a banner we had made with monthly photos of our daughter’s growth.
- We keep routine in our visits so she always has something to look forward to.
- We remember her birthday and her son’s birthday and always send them gifts.
- We send her texts on holidays wishing her well and thanking her.
- Probably the biggest thing I’ve done to honor her is to talk about her to others. Naturally people are curious about our daughter’s birth mom and the “situation” from which she came. Usually they can’t help themselves and make assumptions that she “gave away” her child and then the judgement starts. I make sure to say well that’s not how I see it. In fact, she made an enormous sacrifice for our daughter because she loved her so much and wanted to give her a better life than she could at that time. I usually end with, she is brave and strong.
As evident in many of the responses I received, honoring a birth mother can be done through thoughts, words, and actions. Being intentional about the language used when talking about your child’s birth mother to others can reduce stigma and encourage others to think about adoption and the choices made by birth parents in a more positive light. Talking openly with your children about their birth parents can help them develop a fuller sense of not only where they came from, but also provide space for them to ask questions and process difficult emotions. Finding ways to connect with birth parents, whether through in-person visits, phone calls, or sending special gifts, not only helps communicate to them a recognition of their sacrifices, but also invites them into continued participation in the lives of their children.
Here are a few other ideas you could consider:
- Purchase a tree or flower in her honor and plant it together on a special day (i.e. child’s birthday, Birth Mother’s Day, etc.)
- Release a balloon with a special prayer or note written by you and/or your child to your child’s birth mother (especially if you do not have direct contact)
- Invite her to participate in special events as your child grows
- Provide opportunities for your child to create homemade cards or crafts to send to birth mothers on special days throughout the year
written by Kara Long from ideas shared by NCA Adoptive Families
Reconciliation is at the center of the gospel. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 says, “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.”
Jesus Christ was sent to this world to reconcile our sinful selves to God and call us to the ministry of reconciliation. Reconciliation means “to restore to friendship or harmony.” Christ first restored our relationship and harmony with God and now offers this same act as a ministry for us to participate in with others. Reconciliation is the very act of adoption – we were brought into God’s family after our brokenness was restored through Christ.
We see much division across our nation due to differences in perspectives and experiences. This spans across values, politics, faith, and racial issues, just to name a few. God calls us to walk in harmony with others and seek reconciliation. He calls us to see value in those that may look, act, or believe differently than us and not to separate ourselves. One of those areas is racial reconciliation, which has come to the forefront of our nation’s attention. For transracial adoptive families, you have been confronted with many feelings, fears, and concerns as racial tensions now confront us. As a world, we are challenged to consider what it means to seek harmony when any of our community is hurting and in need. What should reconciliation look like?
The process of reconciliation should first look like opening and evaluating your heart, mind, emotions, and actions, through guidance by the Holy Spirit. Laying yourself before God and praying along with David in Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” As God reveals sin in our thoughts, words, and deeds, we can ask Him first for forgiveness and then turn to seek forgiveness and harmony from any that we have hurt. How might this look in a racial reconciliation context? We can allow God to examine our hearts for any judgments, prejudices, or racist thoughts, words, or deeds.
Being surrounded by our culture that has been permeated with racism, these thoughts can creep inside us, often without our realization. God can reveal these to us through prayer, reading books that address racism, listening to the voices of people of color around us, and examining our hearts. When we as individuals can do this, it plays into the greater movement of our society seeking harmony and restoration with others that have been wronged. We can seek harmony with our brothers and sisters of color around us and speak to others through our ministry of reconciliation.
Where does adoption fit into the narrative of racial reconciliation? Adoption can move us in the right direction, but this is done through changes in our hearts: not simply through the act of adoption. Transracial adoption does not fix underlying problems. A family adopting a child of a different race or ethnicity into their family will not automatically rid them or others of prejudice. When the adoptive parents open their hearts to reconciliation as they consider adopting a child of another race, He can show you any places of racial prejudice inside you to rid from your heart and mind, as discussed above. Adopting a child from another race or culture will naturally bring up conversations and comments from friends and family that will allow you an opportunity to speak the truth and confront any of their prejudicial beliefs, whether conscious or subconscious. These conversations allow others to learn about someone else’s experience that differs from their own and challenges them to understand. These are changes that can come from our experiences in adoption and can impact the greater sins of racism around us if you are mindful to do so.
Recognizing the joys and true challenges of bringing a child from another race into your home is imperative. Our desire at Nightlight is to help guide our adoptive families in this journey through education and support. We are growing the resources we have available to transracial adoptive families and hope you keep checking back on the blog for more information in parenting your adopted child.
–Heather McAnear Sloan, Director of Post Adoption Connection Center
You have decided you want to pursue embryo adoption and have completed all the necessary steps. You have chosen an agency, filled out an application, completed the home study, have been matched with embryos, finalized the contract, and had the embryos shipped to the clinic!
Now you are super excited to get to the fun part, right? The day of your long awaited frozen embryo transfer (FET)! However, you may have to wait just a little bit longer before that special day.
Your clinic may require some preliminary tests before you are ready to begin preparation. Once you have been medically cleared, then you are ready to start the prep work!
First, you will typically begin birth control, followed by an ultrasound to make sure the lining of the uterus is thin and blood work to check hormone levels. Then, your reproductive endocrinologist will prescribe estrogen pills to build up the uterine lining, followed by another ultrasound and more blood work. (Some REs may even allow you to complete a natural cycle transfer with no birth control or medications. Talk with your clinic to see if this is a possibility for you!) REs have an “ideal” thickness that they like to see the uterine lining before they proceed with an FET, but don’t be discouraged if your lining is not within that range! Many women, including myself, have gone on to do transfers with a lining that was not considered optimal and had a successful pregnancy!
About five days before your scheduled FET, you will begin taking progesterone in oil injections each day. It is not the most fun, but so worth it once you see that positive pregnancy test! I would recommend warming the oil with a heating pad or by rubbing it between your hands before you start. It also helps to sit on a heating pad for a few minutes before the injection, as this will help prevent lumps under the skin. Massaging the injection site immediately afterward can help prevent those lumps, too. Switching injection sides each day is recommended, so you do not get too sore on one side.
The day of the FET is really quite simple and easy compared to everything else leading up to it! You will come to the office with a full bladder (yes, really), get changed in to a medical gown and hairnet, and the doctor will perform the FET using a small catheter. You get to watch the embryo get implanted right there on the ultrasound!
At this point you are done! Try to keep busy and focus on other things during the two week wait for the pregnancy test. You will continue the progesterone in oil injections for those two weeks after your FET and continue them for several weeks after if you have a positive pregnancy test.
You got this, mama! And if your FET resulted in a negative pregnancy test, you are strong and courageous for giving those little embryos a chance at a full life!
-An Embryo Adoptive Mama
For more information, please visit Snowflakes.org
I grew up having a fairytale idea of how my life would turn out. I was going to be happily married, a stay at home mom with 6 children, I would have a huge yard with a tire swing and life would be perfect. In reality, I was married… and divorced. Twice. I was blessed with being a stay at home mom for 10 years to 5 amazing children.
One of the most important things to me as a mom was to be involved with my kids and provide them with a safe, loving, fun and comfortable home life and to be available to them as much as possible. That became more challenging after becoming a single mom with joint custody and needing to go to work to provide for them. The circumstances were far from perfect, and there were ups and downs, but I worked jobs that allowed me to be home with them when they weren’t at school and I was able to attend most of their school and sporting events. Being a mom, in my opinion, is the most important ‘job’ ever and I always wanted to be the best at it, but I made many mistakes along the way. One of the biggest mistakes I made was not showing them the importance of putting God first. I ‘believed’ in God and I had been ‘saved’, but I had not invited God to be a part of my life. I wanted to live a life pleasing to God, but I still wanted to be in control and do things my way.
I was 41 years old, I was not married, 3 out of 5 of my kids were teenagers and still at home, I was expecting my first grandchild… AND I became pregnant. It was not a part of ‘my plan’, but it was part of a bigger plan that I would see unfold in the coming years. I knew every child was a blessing from God. I tried to embrace and welcome the news of becoming a new mom again, but I was consumed with feelings of guilt and shame (for allowing myself to be in this situation). I was anxious and worried (what would my family and friends think)? I was filled with fear (how was I going to raise a baby by myself, could I physically, emotionally and financially meet all of her needs?)
I had never felt so alone. Each day brought new fears and worries. I prayed daily, asking God to give me strength and peace and guidance. Every time the thought of adoption came into my mind, I pushed it away. I had heard many amazing adoption stories, but those were other people’s lives, other people’s stories… what kind of ‘mom’ would I be after having 5 children to even consider placing her for adoption? But, what kind of life would she have with me?
She was due in September and it wasn’t until July that I reached out to the Nightlight Christian Adoptions. A lot of faith, fear, heartache, tears, prayers and love were involved in the decision to consider adoption and not raise my daughter myself.
I changed my mind and my opinions about adoption a lot, during the pregnancy and after. I realize as prospective adoptive parents, you’ve had your own fears and worries and difficult trials that as a birth mom I have never experienced. The adoption journey has a lot of unknowns on both sides. Be patient, be supportive… ask questions, but understand if we aren’t ready or able to answer them. Be open and honest and be yourself – be real.
I was fearful that there were no perfect parents for my daughter, but I realized I was far from perfect. I learned to trust God and let Him lead. He chose the perfect family for my daughter. There will always be unchartered territory, on the birth mom’s side and the adoptive parents’ side – journey it together. You don’t have to have all the answers right now.
The greatest gift I received from the adoptive parents in my situation, was their acceptance of me and the amazing way they showed their love, their kindness and their gratitude. They helped change my view of birth moms in adoption. I am not a ‘bad’ or ‘unloving’ or ‘selfish’ person. I love enough to want more for the daughter, that I myself could not provide.
I originally did not want an open adoption. They were respectful of my decision while gently making it clear that they were there if I changed my mind, and they made great efforts to include me as little or as much as I chose to be involved, without making me feel pressured. We now have an open adoption and being a part of their lives has been a blessing I could have never imagined. I do not have regrets; I do not worry or live in fear for my daughter. I know she is cared for and loved by so many and with the exact mom and dad and family God planned for her.
I am praying for each and every one reading this, praying for birth parents, praying for adoptive parents, praying for the children who are a blessing no matter how they come to be a part of their chosen family.
“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11
–written by a Brave Birthmom
Advocating for a child in regular life circumstances can feel like quite a challenge. When you add a pandemic to the situation, it can feel overwhelming! I first learned about the necessity of advocating for services in the school system when my husband and I first adopted. When I pointed out concerns I had to our daughter’s teacher, she reassured me that the issues would likely resolve on their own and were attributed to the adoption process. I waited a year, seeing our daughter’s frustration growing, as her needs were not being met in the classroom. I will always regret the delay in accessing services.
Since March, when the COVID19 pandemic hit the United States, schools were shut down throughout the nation. The challenging process of requesting specialized services through the school district became additional challenging as all services went remote. Requesting testing and evaluations became next to impossible as school districts scrambled to provide the services that were already assigned, let alone trying to evaluate and determine new services for a child who had not completed any sort of evaluation.
Special education evaluations and services can and should be provided despite the pandemic situation. The Special Education Services Team for our school district met with parents last week (online) and shared that in-person evaluations will continue despite the pandemic. Masks, shields, Plexiglas or whatever PPD was necessary to keep both the child and evaluator safe, would be implemented. Some testing will be conducted via remote online programs where appropriate and some might utilize the parent as an in-person helper. We have seen our district come up with very creative solutions to the many challenges of providing speech and occupational services online, along with learning programs for all levels of students.
I am concerned that families may delay the request for evaluation or services due to issues with the pandemic. Obtaining services for a child through the school system can seem like an impossible task. It is important to address any concerns right away and not rely on a professional assigning the issue to stress over a foster or adoptive placement. Your child is eligible for evaluation at the time of placement, regardless of the pandemic.
Any advocating or request for services from your school district for your child must be in writing. For example, if your child is struggling in learning to read and write and you think your child might have a learning disability, it is critical to identify what you have been seeing and put it in writing to your school principal, requesting an evaluation for an Individualized Education Plan or IEP.
As a parent, whether adoptive or foster parent, we have learned that we are our child’s biggest and sometimes only advocate. We best know our child and can best describe what they need. It is best to begin with your child’s teacher, helping to identify the issues and needs of your child. The next step is to write a letter to your child’s principal. It is important to identify the issues you have observed with your child, noting any detrimental effects on your child’s ability to learn and benefit from the classroom environment.
The IEP letter should include a request for testing and a full evaluation, to determine whether your child is eligible for an individualized education plan or IEP. The IEP process is a formal process that is federally mandated and governed. If your child needs special education services those services would be provided under the IEP program. Testing will not begin right away, but your letter formally starts the process. If you just speak with your child’s teacher or the principal that does not initiate the special education or IEP process. A verbal request for evaluation or services can be ignored whereas if the request is in writing, it begins the formal IEP process. Typically several months of testing will follow. At the end of the evaluations, there will be a meeting of the IEP team, which includes the principal, and the many therapists and specialists that have evaluated your child and you as your child’s representative. You might also check with your pediatrician and see whether the pediatrician notes any issues as well that should be included in the IEP evaluation. You can bring outside reports into the IEP meeting for consideration of services.
Throughout the IEP process, from initiation to the provision of services, it is important to stay diligent and to make sure your child’s needs are always at the forefront of the discussion. It is important to continually advocate for your child. We learned through the years as we have gone through more than our share of IEP meetings, that unless the parent is willing to politely make a case and push for services needed by their child, they are less likely to be successful. It makes a difference if the adult in a child’s life is assertive about the child’s need for services.
If your child is on an IEP or you believe your child should be on an IEP, I would highly encourage you to track down the parent group for special education in your district. This committee might have different names, but each district should have such a parent committee. The parents on the committee might have some good advise for you as you advocate for your child. One or more of the parents in the group may have experienced a similar issue with their child and might be able to offer some advise on how they were successful obtaining services. I also would encourage anyone whose child is in need of services or is receiving services to read through the www.wrightslaw.com website. It is full of fantastic resources, information and programs available to help you with advocating for services your child might need as it is run by Pete Wright, an attorney advocate in Special Education Law. He has written several books on how to obtain special education services and won cases in front of the Supreme Court.
Despite the challenges we are currently facing as we live through this pandemic, your child’s academic, behavioral, emotional, developmental and social needs need to be supported and services obtained through your school district when necessary. Advocating for your foster or adopted child might sometimes feel like you are pushing a boulder up a steep hill, but the outcome is so worthwhile. Your are your child’s best advocate and there is nothing like the experience of seeing your child complete a task that seemed impossible prior to the therapy that was initiated through your advocacy.
written by Rhonda Jarema, MA
The Debate on Interracial Adoption: Since the 1970s, there have been debates in America on whether children of one race should be adopted by parents of another. One camp argues that children adopted interracially lose their sense of identity and culture, while the other claims that regardless of race, it is positive because these children are finding homes. So, what do adult adoptees have to say about their experiences with being adopted by parents of a different race?
Kiana’s Experience: On the Archibald Project’s 48th episode, Race & Adoption Advice from Adult Adoptees, Kiana speaks about her experience with being a black child adopted and raised by a white, single mother (https://www.thearchibaldproject.com/). Kiana was adopted at age two with two other girls from her orphanage. She grew up in a community that had many adopted children, so her family unit seemed normal to her until the age of five. When Kiana began Kindergarten, children asked why she did not look like her mother; it was difficult to constantly explain that she was adopted and know what level of detail she needed to share. Thankfully, Kiana’s mother encouraged open communication with her daughters about adoption, and together they came up with a plan on what to say to the other kids.
Kiana’s mother made an effort to incorporate Haitian culture into their daily life. Every Haitian Independence Day, the family would cook traditional Haitian food, fly their national flag, and celebrate. They had dance parties to Haitian music and even attended an annual summer camp with other adoptees from their orphanage. Although she speaks fondly of these memories, Kiana explains that interracial adoption is complicated. As an adult, she is most uncomfortable around black individuals because she fears them calling her “white washed.” She continues by saying, “it feels like you are standing at two tables (black and white), and you don’t have a chair at either one.”
My friend, Dante*: It has been over a decade since I met my friend, Dante. Our friendship has been close, and I am immensely grateful that he chose to share his adoption story with me…and all of you! At the age of five, Dante was adopted from Guatemala along with his younger sister, Agostina*. They were adopted by a white couple in the American Midwest.
This time was scary for Dante as he was in a foreign place and did not speak the same language as his adoptive parents. However, as with Kiana, experiencing this transition with a sibling made it much easier. Over time, Dante and Agostina began to trust and bond with their new parents. His parents took a different approach than Kiana’s as they chose not to incorporate Guatemalan culture into their children’s lives. Although Dante regrets losing his Spanish speaking skills, he still embraces his Guatemalan culture as an adult. Dante loves listening to Guatemalan music and learning about the country. Overall, adoption has been a positive experience for him, and he is extremely grateful that his parents made the decision to adopt. Dante reported, “I am thankful for my parents and everything they have given me. Without them, I would have likely ended up in a gang or participating in illegal activities because of where I came from. Instead, I have a good life.” Dante desires to adopt children of his own some day because he “has seen how adoption can change someone’s life for the better.”
Should I Incorporate the Culture of My Child’s Home Country in Our Lives?: The answer to this is… it depends. When a child is adopted, especially from a foreign country, they need to process their new life circumstances and decide what their identity is going to be. They often experience an inner battle between the culture of their homeland and that of their new home. Kiana recommends that adoptive parents give their children space to feel and process all of the emotions that come with creating a new sense of self. She said her mother did a good job of not taking it personally when Kiana pushed her away during these times. In addition, children in a sibling group may not react the same way to this process. For instance, Kiana enjoys learning about her heritage and visiting Haiti, while her sister has little interest in those pursuits. It is important that adoptive parents give their children opportunities to stay invested in their birth country’s culture. From that point, each child can decide whether he or she would like to learn about their heritage or fully embrace an American lifestyle. No path is wrong, and neither indicates that the adoptive parents are not doing a great job at raising their children.
Conclusion: It is difficult to state which side of the debate is correct. Both adoptees above said there were complications with interracial adoption, but also indicated that their experiences were overall positive. Based on these cases, a successful and healthy interracial adoption can be achieved by adoptive parents who 1) support open communication and 2) present opportunities to incorporate the child’s culture if he or she is interested in pursuing it.
*Names have been changed for anonymity
written by Heather Berry
I love podcasts and often subscribe to more than I can feasibly listen to in a week. In recent years as the rise of podcasts’ popularity as risen, there have been more and more options becoming available around the issue of foster care and adoption. What a gift! When my husband and I became foster parents 14 years ago, podcasts featuring foster and adoptive professionals, as well as the voices of foster and adoptive parents and adoptees, would have been such an asset as we felt like we were fumbling through those early days and figuring things out as we went. There are truly some fantastic resources available now in the podcast world and here are some recommendations that we hope may be a help to you:
Creating a Family is one of the longest running, most well-known podcasts available and their mission is to strengthen families through education and support for navigating infertility, adoption or foster care. Podcast episodes feature leading experts on infertility and adoption, as well as birth parents, foster and adoptive parents, and adoptees each week to bring a wealth of information on all aspects of adoption and infertility. Recent topics include Connected Parenting/Attachment, How to Raise an Anti-Racist Child, Issues Related to Transracial Adoption, Open Adoption, Living with Infertility, Parenting Children Who Have Experienced Trauma, and so much more.
This is a podcast is hosted by Jamie Finn, from Foster the Family, and is geared towards biological, adoptive, and foster moms. Each episode features real conversations with women touched by foster care and/or adoption. It is helpful, meaningful, and shares so many important perspectives and truths about motherhood. This podcast is gospel-centered and encouraging.
The Honestly Adoption Podcast features real voices, sharing hope and encouragement to parents on the journey of foster care and adoption. Hosts Mike and Kristin Berry, and Nicole Goerges share open and honest perspectives from the journey of foster, adoptive, and parenting children with special needs. In light of recent events, Honestly Adoption has recently been re-airing episodes that feature various people of color to highlight black voices specifically in the foster and adoptive community. Some of these episodes include Thoughts on Hair Care & Support for Transracial Adoptees, How a Former Foster Youth is Telling a Different Adoption Story, Raising a Multiracial Family, and Thoughts on Adoption from a Transracial Adoptee.
Adoption Now features guests who share their stories about the joys and challenges of the adoption journey. You’ll hear from parents and families who’ve been through infant and international adoption, foster-to-adopt, and embryo adoption. These inspiring stories are told from the perspective of the adoptee, birth parent or adoptive parent. Several reviewers noted that they deeply appreciate that this podcast honors all parts of the triad so well.
Around The World with The Archibald Project’s hosts, Whitney and Nick, started The Archibald Project with the belief that caring for orphaned and vulnerable children is one of the most important jobs in the world. They observed however, that often people were too overwhelmed to get involved or lacked the support they needed to keep going. This podcast is a place where you can easily find answers, encouragement, and support. Recent episodes include Navigating the Complexities of Adoption with Cam Lee, Are You Afraid of Down Syndrome Adoption, When You Find Out Your Birth Mother is Alive, Do You Know What Birth Moms Go Through, and Race & Adoption Advice.
The Adoption Hacks Podcast celebrates and educates potential and current adoptive and foster families. Episodes will provide tips for those starting the journey, support for parents, and a look at programs for vulnerable children. The host and an adoptive mom, Kandace Lecocq, interviews professionals and moms and dads who have been there. Recent episodes feature increased care & understanding for birth moms, navigating unknowns in adoption, post adoption depression, and a journey through foster care.
The Forgotten Initiative seeks to support the foster care community through awareness, encouragement, and advocacy. Recent episodes include stories about The Battle for Control in Foster Care, Meeting Your Biological Parent: Expectations, Joys, and Disappointments, When Your Children Don’t Look Like You: Understanding Black Hair Care, Moved From Relative to Relative: A Journey Toward Healing After Trauma, and When Foster Care Leads to Adoption: Processing Big Emotions.
Let’s Talk Adoption is another long-running adoption podcast that features new guests and topics each week relating to the adoption process, raising children, and pregnancy options. Let’s Talk Adoption’s goal is to bring hope and education to adoptive and birth parents, sharing the miracles created through a modern, open adoption. Past guests have included authors, attorneys, physicians, social workers, adoptive parents and birth parents.
If you are an adoptive mom looking for hope, practical tools and friends who understand, this podcast is for you. The hosts, Lisa and Melissa, are both adoptive moms. In addition, Lisa is a birth mother and Melissa is an adult adoptee. Between the two of them, they represent all three parts of the adoption triad. They offer diverse perspectives and the issues discussed are educational, encouraging, and inspiring. Check out some of their recent episodes such as Resetting the Nervous System for Felt Safety, Ethical Orphan Care and Adoption, A Conversation about Race, and The Impact of Prenatal Trauma on Children.
Born in June, Raised in April’s host, April Diswoodie, shares her very personal experience as a transracial adoptee growing up in New England and explores adoption in all its many layers. Each episode is anchored in the months of the year, connecting poignant holidays, rituals, rites of passage, and celebrations to the meaning of legacy, family, and identity.
written by Amy Eudy BSW | Home Study Manager SC